Over the holidays, however, my brother developed an affinity for the German football league, or the Bundesliga, which I did not even know we had on satellite TV. I recognized quite a few members of the German national team from the World Cup, and decided to give one or two games a shot. At the end of that month, I decided that the Bundesliga, despite the slightly hilarious name, was definitely something worth investing in, and here's why;
1. The German league is not astronomically famous, so the concept of having superstars on Beckham-esque levels hasn't really set in. The very German philosophy of "the star is the team" can be seen right down to the jersey designs for most football clubs there, where the players' names are printed on the bottom of the shirts, and the team's name on the top. Or indeed, the fact that the team's name is on the back of the jersey at all. I dig it.
Or maybe that's just how shirts are traditionally made in Germany, I don't know. But this attitude of never putting an individual player on too high of a pedestal seems to have resulted in a very significant observation ; there appears to be fewer entitled arrogant douchebags on the pitch, and consequently also much fewer occurrences of entitled arrogant douchebag behaviour.
2. After 10 years or so, I would think even the most die-hard follower of the English leagues would be bored and just a little bit jaded by now ; the same famous faces every season, the same teams dominating, the same teams losing, the same drama. If you're new to German football, it really is a very refreshing experience. It's unpredictable and a real competition in every sense ; there have been three different title winners in the last three years alone. It is literally anyone's game in Germany, and the fact that you can never place a sure bet on the same team every season is hella exciting.
3. In the Bundesliga, the fan is king. Ticket prices and fan attendance are the lowest and highest, respectively, of any soccerball league in Europe. Even if you don't watch the sport at all, massive respect is due for the way these people run their business. It's also something that seems to have seeped into the players as well ; I have rarely seen this happen in an English league match.
However insignificant the match is in the larger scheme of things, the winning team goes over to whichever end of the stadium in which their supporters are camped out, and shows some much deserved love and appreciation. I was very impressed when I first saw this happen. Also I may or may not have been completely overwhelmed by warm fuzzies.
4. Mats Hummels . He is the 23 year old defender for Borussia Dortmund, widely hailed as one of the best young players in his position -
Oh no, I'm sorry. Let me just skip ahead to the relevant bit.
This is what he looks like. And don't lie, you know this is what you're here for.
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Mats is friggin' adorable, you guys. Not that there is a lack of cute players in other national leagues, but I happen to be completely smitten with this young man, and for the next few weeks or so, no other male on the planet is going to cut it for me. That dimpled smile, that hair you just want to run your fingers through... I bet it has the texture of heavenly clouds shot through with celestial silk woven by the angels or something. I admit I wasn't feeling the love in the beginning - he looked more than a little sleazy. But a few Google sessions later and I was completely sold. This guy has the distinction of quite literally making me squeal audibly every time he smiles, and I don't squeal. Ever. I did not even squeal at Michael Fassbender in that black turtleneck. This is serious business.
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| Such a goddamn boss. Of adorableness. |
To be fair (and less superficial) Mats is also very good at his full-time job (preventing goals from happening) and his part-time job (sometimes making goals happen) and his life-time job (being delicious).
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| Orlando Bloom, is that you? |
Welcome to my ever-growing list of unattainable husbands, Mr. Hummels. I really hope he makes it on the senior German national team by the next World Cup, because he deserves it, and also because we can never have enough hotnessess to look at during major sports tournaments.
Apparently he's so hot he breathes steam, oh my lord.
5. Mario Gomez. Because that is totally a German name. He is the striker for Bayern Munich and the German national team, which means we have met before, but I never got the chance to really sit down and stare at his German-Spanish (Gernish?) ass until very recently, and I think I like what I see.
Mario Gomez is somewhat disappointing at his full-time job (making goals happen), satisfactory at his part-time job (sometimes stopping goals from happening) and completely ace at his life-time career of being sex on a Deutsche stick (did I use that word right? Does it matter? He's hot).
I have heard a professional male commentator once refer to him as an Adonis. I kid you not. It was hilarious. Also, it's rather easy to spot a Mario Gomez after the match ; he'll most likely be the only one traipsing around with a bare torso, sweat-drenched shirt slung over one shoulder. Not that I mind. Not that I mind at all.
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| Back away from my man, No.10. |
6. I can't really think of a sixth reason, so here are some members of the German national team (including Mats! HI MATS!) indulging in some dorky yet delicious breakfast-themed product placement. Cute footballers and chocolate hazelnut concoctions! But this is ridiculous! That Nutella is spread on all the wrong places here. Bread? For shame. Like, I'm talking Nutella on German footballers. Nutella all over German footballers. A naked filthy goddamned Nutella shower. Am I right? Hells yeah!! You're not doing it right, advertisers.
It is my professional opinion that this ad campaign needs less clothes.
So concludes my extremely convincing post on why German league football is worth your time, soccer fans. Shirtless Sexy Rock-climbing Mats says auf Wiedersehen, and promises to grace the rest of our days with his talent and Teutonic beauty.
