Here Be One Long-Ass Meme

1. The phone rings. Who will it be?
Are we talking about reality or are you asking me to indulge in my very substantial creative powers of self-delusion? Because if it be the latter, then I am never going to get to the next question.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
No, I prefer to leave it in the aisles or the middle of the parking lot and watch people and cars collide into them. I have no sense of consideration whatsoever.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Well it depends doesn't it? If I'm familiar with the aforementioned social setting, then I talk more.

4. Do you take compliments well?
Yes I do, for truly deserved ones. I'm not that messed up. And I don't do false modesty very well.
Really.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
No, because it involves numbers and because I never win.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
I'd like to think I would, having seen all those episodes of Man vs Wild. For instance, I know that eating yak liver is good for you and you can actually drink your own distilled urine. But no.

7. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
If I had, then the answer to number 6 may have been a little bit different.

8. What was your favourite game as a kid?
I didn't get into board games or dolls so much as a kid. I preferred making up things in my head and forcing my brother to play-act with me. I think he's forgotten all about those days, which is a blessing. Poor child. I was a proper tyrant before I hit the age of nine.

9. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he was married, would you?
Would I? Would I what? Stop being so coy, meme.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Of course. That would be half the fun, I think.

11. Use three words to describe yourself.
I hate this type of question. Seriously. So spirit-crushing. How can you even suggest that my entire person and existence can be condensed down into three measly words?

12. Do any songs make you cry?
Where got? I not that emo lah, okay?

13. Are you continuing your education?
Yes I am actually. On Monday.

14. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
No, but how hard can it be, really? You just strike a really cool pose, pull the trigger, kill the bad guy and then finish off with a really bad-ass one liner.

15. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
No. The story of my life.

16. How often do you read books?
If I dont at least flip through a few pages daily, then you know it's a really really bad week.

17. What is your favourite children's book?
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. It is made up of ridonkulous amounts of awesome, the illustrations are gorgeously quirky and it's smart and fresh and hilarious and sincere and not patronising in the least. And it doesn't even matter that I wasn't technically a child anymore when I first read it.

18. What colour are your eyes?
Brown. I think. And it doesn't even matter in this part of the world lah. They're either brown or black unless you go get violet or turqoise contacts (which people do). So.

19. How tall are you?
Not tall enough, meme. Not tall enough.

20. Where is your dream house located?
Somewhere on a volcanic plain in Iceland, with sheep and washing lines made of old guitar strings and a melting glacier in the backyard.

21. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grab?
Um, I dunno. Fire extinguisher? Although if all hope was lost I'd probably drag my CPU out. All my music is in there.

22. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Eh?

23. Where was the furthest place you travelled today?
The kitchen. There be chocolate cookies in there.

24. Do you like mustard?
Yeah sure, why not. It seems courteous enough.

25. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I have my mother's hair, my father's skin, my mother's teeth, my father's nose and god knows whose eyes. So it's all fair, I believe.

26. Can you do the splits?
No, and I don't think I want to try. I fear injury to my crotch area. I morbidly fear it.

27. What movie do you want to see right now?
I want to watch Rocket Science again. It's amazing how that D'Agosto guy could go from Rocket Science to something as crapfesty as Heroes.

28. What did you do for New Year's?
I stayed at my grandma's, ate apple pie and watched an X-Files marathon all night. Best new year's ever.

29. Do you own a camera phone?
No, and I don't particularly desire one either. I'm happy as long as I can text on the thing.

30. What's the last letter of your middle name?
S. Don't you want to know what it is, then?

31. What do you wear to sleep?
You are a creepy meme, meme. Why would you want to know something like that?

32. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Both are equally awesome in their own way, and both play their part in maintaining the balance of the universe.

33. Did you eat a cookie today?
Yes I just told you; I travelled to the kitchen to get one. Are you even paying attention?

34. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Are you kidding? Of course I do! French is good. And also Spanish. It's very satisfying to swear in Spanish.

35. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Hey look COOKIE!

36. What do you and your parents fight about?
This possibly makes me the weirdest adolescent alive, but I actually hardly ever argue with my parents. Ever.

37. Are you a gullible person?
No, I am cynical and jaded beyond my years, and the burden of premature wisdom weighs heavily on my soul. Now leave me alone.

Murderifying The Queen's Engrish, One Lah At A Time.

So, 2009 marks Malaysia's 52nd year of Independence from those darned Brits (click here for those who seek enlightenment and for those who have forgotten what a History textbook looks like) , and although the national celebrations and stuff were over two weeks ago it's never too late on this here blog. And it really got me thinking, because at this moment in time, Malaysia's government, politics, society and mainstream media are all submerged in various degrees of the bogs of Suckage. So I'll concentrate instead on the one thing that makes my country genuinely awesome in its own right (not the food, surely, that would take far too long) .

Manglish.

Yup. Much like the word suggests, it is a frankly horrifying linguistic trend where English, Malay and various other local dialects are mangled up into a form of spoken English with absolutely no regard for grammar, decency, or the art of making sense. We say "lah" at the end of every sentence, we go all out for direct translation, and we have discovered more uses for the word "one" than possibly any other civilization in history. In fact, the majority of Malaysians speak at least four languages ; Malay, their own dialect or the mother tongue of their ancestors (depending on where the aforementioned ancestors came from), proper English, and Manglish.

For instance, where someone who spoke proper English would say "There is no such thing" or "That can't be possible", your average Malaysian would simply burst out with the indignant exclamation of "Where got?" , which is basically a direct translation from Malay, and therefore hopelessly flawed. Manglish is of course, strictly used on the streets or in informal situations, and is never taught in schools (but if got means, like that cekap lah wei). Similarly "How is this possible" becomes "Where can?", "Are you sure" becomes "Sure ah?"
and so on.

The particle "-lah" is also of extreme importance in speaking Manglish. Imported from Malay, it is used at the end of virtually every sentence, and where it was once used to simply affirm a statement, the"-lah" has achieved a nearly infinite level of functionality. For example, you may say "I am a blogger". Or in Manglish, "I am a blogger, lah". Naturally. Or "Don't be stupid lah". A mere change in the inflection of the "-lah" can mean so many things.

Some other words of interest include ;

"terrer" - (pronounced as the English "terror") Refers to someone or something being awesomely amazing or good

"blur" - confused, out-of-it. Roughly equivalent to "spacey" in American slang.

"kantoi" - to get caught

jom- let's go

"tahan" - to stand, to bear


I'm feeling somewhat lazy at the moment, so if you want to learn some more ah, you go here lah. Wikipedia very best lo, got tell you so many-many things one. I give you one more lah, this one you can listen to what Manglish sound like when got people sing one. Very terrer lah.




Although naturally, for album recording purposes, the grammar on this is impeccable compared to what is usually spoken.
Now go get educated. Leave comments in your bestest Manglish for extra credit.
Lah.

Let's Get Frivolous, Frivolous.

Beckeye's latest post reminded me that there really hasn't been enough shameless, fully-fledged fangirling around these parts in tooooo long a time. And there needs to be more of it, because I only have a year and then some left in my period of teenagedomhood, that blessed phase of life when you can blame pretty much everything on raging hormones and get away with it.

Here then, I present to you an epic dose of hormonal frivolity (the best kind) in the form of a dozen or so specimens of masculinity who sexed up 2009 for the BAP (and maybe a little bit of 2008 as well). And keep in mind that this isn't an All-Time Hotties list. There's no way I could ever limit that to 1o or 12 people. I've already taken liberties as it is.

Chace Crawford
Never having been much of a Gossip Girl advocate, I was only vaguely aware of the fellow's existence, somewhere along the fringes of my everyday consciousness. Perhaps as a much better-looking Zac Efron. There was that one time I watched him drive himself to to tears on E!Entertainment News, talking about how mean the paparazzi are, and I went "Awwww" for a bit and then proceeded to forget all about him. Until one fateful Saturday afternoon when I was innocently channel-surfing and stumbled upon a repeat of an old Gossip Girl episode, featuring the aforementioned Chace of the Crawfords running across a suburban street, dressed in nothing but an impeccable pair of blue boxers. That did it. Really. Never have I so fully grasped the elusive nature of the show's fanatical appeal. And I sure do not resent the fact that I can only admire his perfection from a distance, because being in such close proximity to somebody so much Prettier and Shinier than I am would cause irreparable damage to my already fragile self-esteem.



Matthew Goode
It's the accent, I tell you. That, and the special brand of aristocratically snarky British sarcasm mixed with equal amounts self-depracation. Also that vibe he gives you that suggests he may just be a tad gay. Also, his nose. I have a thing about the man's nose.




Kings Of Leon
Yes, all of them together (even the chubby one) , as one cohesive unit of sexualness. It helps, considerably, that they have all shaved, gotten haircuts and wardrobe overhauls. Also that their lyrical and musical profundity has matured beyond songs about alcohol, blowjobs, and knocking up girls. Needless to say, this lot emerged from one heck of a gene pool (thank you, Mama and Papa Followill) and I really don't care that they once had to ban their female fans from taking pictures with them because all four guys got molested so much. But hey, them Followills are the ones wearing ridiculously tight jeans and yowling about Sex On Fire. I say suck it up, be sexy and deal.


Cam Gigandet
Robert Pattinson can take his stinky axle-greased hair and face powder and go sparkle himself to death on some bleeding meadow. This man is the best thing Twilight or anyone associated with it has done for the female gender.


Alexander Skarsgard

One of the finest things to have emerged from Sweden since, like, ABBA. You may recognize him in such masterpieces of pop culture as True Blood (in which he plays a dastardly vampire)and that Lady Gaga video(in which he plays an eye-patched but still dastardly boyfriend). Kicking back on the couch on Tuesday evenings to watch Alexander being blond, bitchy, bloodsuckish and bilingual has given me a great deal of enjoyment over the last year. Lie back and think of Scandinavia, y'all.


James McAvoy
I's amazing, really, that such a small man can pack that much sex appeal into all five feet and seven inches of his frame. Talk about talent. And his eyes, folks. His eyes. The way he looks at Kiera Knightley or whatever woman it is he's supposed to be in love with in that particular movie, he gazes at her like she's the most exquisite creature he's ever seen. Intense shit. Also, infinite number of bonus points for being a Scot (not that he can help it or anything, but still).



Paul Rudd
I've always thought Paul Rudd was pretty cute for an older guy, even way back in the day when he played Phoebe's boyfriend-then-husband Mike on Friends (I loved Mike. Mike was so awesome). It was some years later until I saw him again, this time in Knocked Up, and had I been wearing socks when I watched that, they would have totally been blown off (the socks, I mean). It is stunning how the man gets gorgeouser and younger-looking and funnier every year, and if he already looks this good now, I think I'd pee myself in anticipation of what Paul will look like when he's 70.



Jim Sturgess
The big brown eyes that remind you of warm nice things like brownies and teddy bears and mudpies. And the messy brown hair. The general air of puppydogness. The voice. The voice needs to be lovingly poured into a jar, sealed with linen and homemade beeswax and sold as microwavable comfort food. One could almost forgive him for being so bloody Liverpudlian.




Sergio Pizzorno
The guitaring extraordinaire of British electro-rockers Kasabian, who has pwned the art of creating simplistic but sexy riffs, and earned my eternal allegiance by creating this song. Not to mention he is Brit of Italian descent (a species of male I already have a professed fetish for), he is a badass mofo (albeit one with a rather nasally voice) and he has the audacity to actually look hot in a bandanna.



Paolo Nutini
Another object of my Brit/Italian fetish, and this one comes with the added bonus of a Scottish brogue and a fish-and-chips joint in Paisley. The boy is obscenely gorgeous, but that is not the full extent of his appeal, because hitting the genetic jackpot is no great achievement of individual effort, and being simply Pretty with nothing else going on for you is highly unlikely to impress me much (unless you are Chace Crawford and you look really really really good without a shirt on - I think I've made that abundantly clear). Paolo, fortunately, is a pretty terrific songwriter in his own right, and for someone who wasn't even old enough to drink (in this country) until a year ago, has the voice of an almost toothless old man with a lung problem , ravaged by a diet of whiskey, cigarettes and heartbreak. Sexy stuffs.



Ryan Kwanten
Ryan spent most of his screen time on the first season of True Blood being dumb, drunk or shirtless. He is a fairly decent actor and I know hardly anything about him, really, except that he is Aussie and that like Chace Crawford, he looks really really really ridiculously good with no clothes on. Someone also needs to make it clear to them True Blood writer people that the dude is not allowed to wear anything with sleeves ever again. Ever.



James Franco
This guy is an example of one of those celebrity crushes I genuinely respect far too much to really want to do anything dirty to. Honest. To paraphrase Beckeye, I'd rather bang his soul more than anything else. In fact, out of all the guys on this list, the only one I'd totally jump on and molest without a second thought, if given the chance, would be Chace Crawford (and maybe Ryan Kwanten- but that's about it). I mean, Franco is taking up a double master's course at UCLA, he reads James Joyce during breaks on set and knows how to spell Dostoevsky, he writes and paints and is funny and gorgeous to boot, not to mention he's also Seth Rogen's soulmate. Thank goodness it's all balanced out by the fact that he is just a tad vertically challenged, or else I'd be harbouring a great deal more resentment towards the Creator and Its evident favouritism policies.


You wouldn't believe how therapeutic that was.