Now that I'm back, after a rather emotionally gruelling week, it is only natural that I return to the King Of All Distractions and Stress-Relievers, Jake. I'm really really really sorry about the way I keep forcing this guy down your throat, honestly. But this is something I need to do. For my own well-being, and all that jazz.
Today's post was inspired by my usually lovely brother, who quite plainly demanded to know why the hell I like Jake so much. So I present to you, my good people of Blogworld;
Why The Hell BAP Likes Jake So Much
1. The boy is hot.
He just is, ok? I mean, physically, he is PHWOARR, as Micheal Parkinson would say. I realize that looks are only superficial, and that he himself did absolutely nothing to warrant such gorgeousness. But admit it; it doesn't hurt. However, as my mother pointed out, he does have a bit of a lousy nose, but his purdy eyes more than make up for any of his nasal shortcomings. All of his features, perhaps individually unremarkable, combine to create a truly stunning whole that constantly reaffirms your faith in the power of human biology. Mr. Daddy and Mrs. Mommy Gyllenhaal, I, along with all the other obsessive women on the planet can never ever conceivably thank you enough for taking the initiative to shack up and make a boy. Our eternal gratitude rests upon your heads, O Creators Of The Most Glorious Man To Ever Grace The Surface Of This Little Blue Thing I Like To Call Earth. And I tell you, I tried leaving Jake's genetic endowments out of the equation but dammit he's just so pretty.
2. He looks good in a hoodie.
3. He looks good in a tux.
4. He looks good nekked. (Oh my how superficial am I?)
5. He looks good in those ugly Robert Graysmith shirts.
6. He has a sensational sense of humour.
This is the guy who quite literally had me choking on my lunch both times he was on Ellen. Deadpan sarcasm is typically more my thing (think Hugh Laurie), but Jake "Gooberballs" Gyllenhaal's brand of impossibly goofy, self-deprecating yet surprisingly intelligent humour is simply the cutest thing ever. He's completely spontaneous and utterly unafraid to make a fool of himself (qualities I envy, because I am extremely averse to doing or being both). And don't even get me started on his SNL hosting gig. I have yet to see the whole thing, but I bet you it's the most awesomest moment in the entire fur-reeking history of modern pop culture. And don't you dare tell me otherwise.
7. The strange and wonderful phenemenon known only as the Gyllenbabble.
Jake has the rather endearing but also somewhat annoying habit of speaking in circles, knots, and wobbly parallelograms. He uses sentence construction and word combinations that very few other mortals have the ability to comprehend.
"He’s filming the murders exactly inch by inch, literally how it happened and where the bodies were, and how they moved, and all those things, so it’s based in a real reality, things that really happened..." - Jake 'Really' Gyllenhaal.
"You should record my voice really fast so that you can slow it down and I can sound really weird." ( Yes Jake, because that is the only way you'd ever sound weird. Really.)
8. He has the smarts.
Regardless of his apparent inability to form coherent sentences, the boy actually is pretty smart. Obviously. It would be difficult for me to be attracted to a male, however hot, without some level of respect for his intellectual ability. And Jake has more than enough brain for the both of us. Screw the fact that he's a college dropout; academia is overrated anyway. My mother never went to college and she's one of the most intelligent people I know, even if she has yet to get a clue about what a mouse pad is. Jake reveals his cerebral punch through the roles he picks ( except maybe for that turd of a flick, The Day After Tomorrow) and the in-depth Gyllenbabblish manner in which he analyses the themes and motifs and uhm...stuff. Also, his favourite book ever just happens to be To Kill A Mockingbird. And he adores Rufus Wainwright, to the point of seeming to harbour just a little bit of a man crush. How the heck do you expect me not to love that boy to pieces?? Jake, I mean. Not Rufus. Although he's a sweetheart as well.
9. He's best friends with his sister.
And that is just awesome beyond comprehension. I can only speak for my family, but my own brother seems a lot more sensitive to the feminine point of view compared to many other boys his age. And my awesome guidance in all aspects of his life (except puberty, he's on his own there) will ensure that in say, four years or so, he'll turn out almost as awesome as I am now. The awesomeness of Maggie Gyllenhaal has obviously had the same results on our Jacob. But seriously, those two have what looks to be a truly fantastic relationship, and I don't know why but that just resonates with me. And I don't feel any jealousy or competitiveness with Maggie. At all. To me, impressing her would probably be more important than paying attention to Jake. Gosh, I love my imaginary sister-in-law.
10. He cooks. And he's good at it.
This comes in as a highly attractive trait, mainly because I love food but have no particular fondness for the cooking process. I hate getting potato peel under my nails and having my fingers smell like onion for days. And since he is the chef, the responsibility and burden of shopping and putting the stuff away and cleaning and everything fall to Jake. All I'd have to do is eat. And hasn't it been scientifically proven that women are attracted to men who cook or something? It's like that Jamie Oliver chap. He doesn't exactly look like God's gift to women, but the minute he reaches into the window box to pull out some mint or rosemary or whatever, you just start fan-girling all over the place. Or maybe that's just me.
11. He loves animals and kids.
Which can only be a sign of deep, nurturing and tender nature. A man who is capable of loving and caring for a pet is only demonstrating his expansive capability to focus attention and affection for a living thing other than himself. Also, he named his dogs Atticus and Boo. Which would be like me naming my fish Albus and Severus.
12. He is just a nice guy.
He is totally into politics and human rights and saving the environment and he drives a hybrid and eats organic crap and never uses plastic bags (sure he still chugs down Starbucks like there's no tomorrow but we're all entitled to our little hypocritical vices now and then) and the BAP finds all that rather sexy. He also strikes me as being a genuine sweetheart. Totally not jerk-ish and male chauvinist pig-ish in the slightest.
See? He's perfectly happy to help tourists take some pictures, and is not even bothered that they seem to have no clue who he is! Destined for sainthood, Jake is.13. He's a flirt.
Which I find absolutely adorable. Take note that it's fine when it's Jake initiating the flirting, not the other way round. When he does it, it's charming, squee-worthy and giggle-inducing. When he does it, his humour and intelligence and wit shine through like the purty rhinestone bling my Literature classmate wears on her jeans all the time. But if it's her trying to get all intimate and filthy with him, that's just skanky. She'd deserve to have her stilettos or whatever driven into her slutty little skull. I remember though, that one time Jakey decided to ignore some poor lady journalist's very serious question, and instead decided to tell her that she looked like a mint chocolate cookie in her blouse and slacks, and how he could just eat her up, mint choc being his favourite flavour of cookie. I'd have hyperventilated and died. But I admire this woman's composure and professionalism. She had the decency not to hyperventilate and die, neither did she jump on him and try to rip his clothes off. I should make her and Honorary Member of the BAP Gyllensessiveness Society, for displaying admirable amounts of Respective Restraint. I shudder inside when I imagine the extent of willpower she must be capable of.
14. He was freakin Donnie Darko.
This movie has only served the purpose of making me adore the Jakester more than I believed was humanly possible. He was genius in this. He was brilliant in this. He made me forget he was Jake Gyllenhaal in this. He was so good in this I want to crawl under the couch and bawl my eyes out every time I so much as think about it. He was Donnie to da D, inside, outside, under and through. I really can't stand those heavy award-magnet movies where everybody is impossibly talented and the whole flick has this impeccable air of "Look-At-Us-We're-Acting" and "Behold-Viewers-Our-Incredible-Artistic-Prowess" or "Can-You-Not-Smell-The-Oscars-Already?". An actor that can make you forget he's acting for 133 minutes? That's talent. And I'm not just saying that because it's Jake, mind you.
15. The chances of me ever meeting the guy are about as big as the full stop at the end of this sentence.
And if I never ever met him, that would be just great. Seriously. I mean, I know people like Bawanie are like, oh Jake should read your blog, and he has to meet you ( he does have to, because I am awesome therefore he will love me) but for now I'd rather keep him at a distance. After all the gushing and horny confessions I've made on this blog, and elsewhere....I mean. What in the name of mint chocolate cookies would I say to the man?? It would be mortifying! I know I give the impression that I'd jump on him and rape the living Gyllendaylights out of him if I ever did bump into the boy, but really, I wouldn't. If I ever did run into Jake in Tesco or wherever, I'd probably stand there and stare at him for a bit, and then very composedly walk off into the next aisle (and then stalk him all the way to the cash register). No screams of "OHEMMGEE IT'S FRICKEN JAKE GYLLENHAAL IN FRICKEN AISLE 7 BUYING FRICKEN DOG FOOD!!" or "OHEMMGEE DUDE YOU HAVE TO AUTOGRAPH MY SANDWICH BREAD OR SOMETHING! AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA COME WITH ME AND MEET MY MOM!". Nope. Seriously. None of that. Because in real life I am very very restrained, very very composed, and very very much a chicken. Bottom line is that I don't ever want to meet him. It's not his fault, it's mine. Meeting the real Jake, even for a few seconds, would inititate a system shutdown of sorts. I'd never blog about him again,simply because he'd be too much of an actual human being to be subjected to the kind of treatment he currently receives here on the Bloggeddy Blog Blog. You peeps dig?
16. He's got guts.
Professionally at least. For him to take on roles like Anthony Swofford and Jack Twist shows a level of chutzpah that not many actors of his age group show ( except Ryan Gosling, because Ryan Gosling is Awesome and also my Backup/Second Choice Future Husband. I will be moving to Canada anyway). With his gorgeousness he could have so easily taken the generic teen heartthrob route to stardom, but he didn't. He picked roles that were intense and challenging and controversial and thought-provoking, any of which could have ended up screwing his career before it even started. And for that I give Jacob true and sincere props.
17. He's a multitasker.
Have you seen the number of pictures out there that show Jake multi-tasking? Drinking coffee and carrying the shopping at the same time! Drinking coffee and walking at the same time! Looking gorgeous, drinking coffee and crossing the road, at the same time! And my personal favourite; having lunch and ignoring Lindsay Lohan over at the other table -yep you guessed it- at the same bloody time!
18. He sucks at math.
That's it! Jake and I are officially soul mates.
19. He looks good soaking wet.
There is a reason why every director in every movie Jake has ever done has tried to incorporate at least one shower scene into the film. Or have his character get caught in the rain. Or make him almost drown in a New York City subway. There is a reason why professional photographers take so much glee in dumping bucket after bucket of water over him during shoots. It's because the boy looks utterly divine when drenched.
20. He loves his girlfriends.
Yeah, I'm jealous to death of every lady he's ever been with. But it's hard to remain bitter and resentful when you see them together, especially when you consider just how blissfully happy he looks. Like she's the centre of his universe, and he'd rob a bank or eat maggots or kill George Clooney or appear on TRL just because she wanted him to. And I have to agree with Susan Sarandon's comment that Jake's eyes "reflect his enormous and infinite capacity to love". She may have been a little Jake-drunk when she said that, but still. Ms Sarandon, you are the awesomeness, and I think you're fab, but seriously. You're old and wrinkly and married. So back away from my man and his infinite love-reflecting eyes, or whatever you're calling them these days.
21. My mother loves him.
She adores all my imaginary boyfriends, but Jake is a particular favourite.She finds him adorable, and regards him rather like the son she never had. I'll have to get rid of that notion, because if he's her son, then I become his sister..and you know. It's going to be a little awkward. She sits through all his movies and enjoys them all. Except that sorry excuse of a turd-film, The Day After Tomorrow. But my goshness did he look good in that flick or what?
Stay gorgeous Jacob. Inside and out.
Now, aren't you all just glad that I got my Internet back?
The only thing that makes me look even remotely awesome. I should erect a shrine to it or something.
House m.d. Geddit? The only show on television that gets better with age.
Not being Kirsten Dunst, oh god no. Being the Other Half Of Jake's Soul. Move your ass over, blondie.
