Some Resolutions For 2012 Which I May or May Not Decide To Keep. They're My Resolutions, After All.

1. Start reading books for pleasure again. Or at least try to enjoy my compulsory reading list for next semester (and how could I not? There's some good shit on that!). It's just that much harder when you know authority figures are making you read Dickens and Wordsworth.

2. Read more books, the way I used to. Curl up on the couch with chocolate biscuit fuel, and power through the pages like a maniac. Laugh, gasp, frown, and "WTF" at all the appropriate places. Savour the feel of paper under fingers, read particularly delicious sentences several times over. Finish. And then flip back and start all over again (to look for clues I may have missed, because there is no way I wasn't smart enough to see that twist coming).

3. Eat more food I have never tried before, so I can once and for all decide if I like it or not. Start with sushi. No, I'm not kidding. I've never had sushi.

4. Buy nice clothes and shoes. There will come a point in life where I will no longer be able to get by on band T-shirts, jeans and sneakers every day. Unless I get a job at a music magazine. OMG PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN.

5. Make mixed CD covers from scratch.

6. Write more ; blogs, emails, letters. Sometimes I even long for those days when I could sit down and write really bad poetry commemorating the weekend football scores.

7. Actually keep track of how much I spend on lunch every day. I need a better budget plan than "if there's still a five ringgit note in the wallet by Friday, we're good".

8. Having said that, indulge in garlic and cheese naan for lunch more often. That thing is sublime.

9. Catch up on season 7 of Supernatural. The show doesn't look like it will ever return to the brilliance of its early years, but I am far too emotionally and spiritually invested in the characters to jump ship at this point. Plus I really like and respect (and sometimes lust for) the writers and actors, and the wonderful relationship they have fostered with the online fandom. Even if this goes on for another 7 seasons, you can bet I will be standing right there at the bloody, fiery end, weeping next to the inevitable train wreck of plot and characterization. I will never let you go, show. I will cling to you like a clingy thing that clings.



Also I am not done laughing at the CW's LOLarious photoshop skillz. You go, CW. Why would anyone want to end the show now, and deprive us of all this promo poster ridiculousness?


10. I will not hit the snooze button more than 6 times every morning. Also, find out if my phone actually spells snooze as "snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooze". It would be hilarious if it actually did that, but I can never trust my eyesight first thing in the morning.


11. SAVE UP FOR GIGS. It's bad enough that I already have to pass on the Laneway Festival in Singapore this February, with a line up which includes a large portion of the acts in my best albums of 2011 list ( Austra, M83, and until recently, WU LYF). My soul still aches over this.

12. Become rich when I grow up, so I can fly out to all the Laneway festivals everywhere. Also, fuck you Singapore. Fuck you and your indie cred.


In other news, the growl-mumbler musicians from Manchester, WU LYF, are here to bring meaning to my life. They appeared on the Letterman show a couple of days ago, performing one of my favourite songs of last year, and proceeded to blow my socks off in a most spectacular fashion.



If you're watching, be sure to stick till the end for the band's hilariously awkward exit.

Also, Ellery Roberts? Despite your horrible enunciation and reputation for being a dickhead, I kind of really really want you right now. You sort of look like the psychotic Mancunian love child of Alexander Skarsgard and Kristian Mattsson. This pleases me and my ladyparts. Call me and we'll work something out. Kiss kiss.

BAP's 25 Favourite Songs and Albums of 2011

This year, I've decided to take a leaf out of Allison's list-making book, and compile a collection of not only my favourite albums, but also the songs I love best from those records, and why they are special to me. It's been an odd year for albums, personally ; I found myself gravitating and growing more attached to individual tracks, as opposed to full records. All the same, the songs listed below pretty much correspond to the albums I enjoyed the most over the year (and perhaps all too predictably, Bon Iver is somewhere in there). You can check out my mid-year best albums list over here.


BAP's 25 Favourite Songs and Albums [And Some EPs] of 2011, In No Particular Order, But At Least All of These Were Actually Released in 2011, And There Are Pretty Pictures, So That Totally Merits Some Plus Points For Effort.

* all song titles link to a Youtube video. I trust you guys to be a bunch of Internet-savvy mofos, but if you run into any trouble tracking down a song or a band, let me know and I'll do what I can to help.


1. James Blake [James Blake] // The Wilhelm Scream



James Blake and his ridiculously sexy voice are responsible for making some seriously sexy music. This song in particular is a perfect example of that ; odd, repetitive blocks of sonic loops, plenty of bleeps and bloops that sound like they're coming from under the ocean or something, and with the same three or four lines of lyrics being repeated over and over and over again ( I don't know about my dreams/I don't know about my dreaming anymore/All that I know is that I'm falling, falling, falling, falling/Might as well fall) until they start to feel like a mantra you've always known but only remember when Mr. Blake sings them to you. It's stunningly hypnotic, surprisingly comforting, and I for one would be happy if this song just never ended. Ever.


2. Kurt Vile [Smoke Ring For My Halo] // Runner Ups



Every review I've read of Kurt Vile's 2011 release makes some mention of his music being the epitome of slacker folk , almost as if "Bob Dylan had gone shoegaze". Vile himself makes a self-deprecating reference to with this line from Runner Ups: "When I walk in, my head is practically dragging". Don't be fooled though ; music this intricate and meditative takes a great deal of love and care and attention to detail, and it shows through in songs like this one. Every pick of the guitar sounds achingly, clearly gorgeous, and there are some terrific lyrics in there, masked by a voice that sounds, on occasion, like a zoned-out drone. This album takes some work to really get into, but is ultimately one of my most rewarding listens of the year.


3. Of Monsters And Men [My Head Is An Animal] // Six Weeks



Credit goes to Allison of Flying Buttresses for alerting me to the existence of this delightful folk-rock act from Iceland. My familiarity with Icelandic music starts with Sigur ros and ends with Bjork, so it was a nice surprise to discover that these guys sound more like the joyfully feral godchildren of Arcade Fire. The guitars in Six Weeks are exuberant, the communal refrains and choruses are emphatic and ferociously life-affirming. The 2:23 mark in particular makes me feel like I should be running barefoot across a glacial Icelandic landscape with Icelandic wind in my hair and this song playing on full-ass volume in the background and shit. It's impossible to be unhappy when you're listening to this. Impossible, I say.


4. The Rural Alberta Advantage [Departing] // Barnes' Yard


I knew from the first time I gave this album a digital spin that Barnes' Yard would end up being my favourite track at the end of the year. Clocking in at barely two and a half minutes, it deals with all the band's usual themes of hometowns and parents and lovers and highways and escaping. Add that to the jangly, up-tempo beat and this knockout of a couplet (We're broken down lovers at the side of the road/We're broken down lovers in the city of oil) and I am a complete and total goner for this song, this album, and this whole entire band. If you can hear me all the way in Rural Alberta, I LOVE YOU GUISE.


5. Typhoon [A New Kind Of House EP] // Summer Home



First of all, Kyle Morton's voice is so clear and so lush that makes me want to cry just thinking about it. If I could, I would totally hire him as my personal lullaby singer. When he sings, it hurts. I don't know where that ache comes from, but this guy brings it. Typhoon's songs deal largely with death, sin, mortality and humanity, and they still manage to work as many handclaps, trumpets and sing-along choruses into the mix as they possibly can. And for a band with 12 musicians in it (there are only 10 in the picture above - it's really hard to keep track) they do a hell of a job at sounding larger than life, using mainly acoustic instruments. Summer Home takes its time getting started, but by the time Kyle's voice kicks in, you know you're in for a treat. And when he quiveringly inquires "Can we hold out for summer again?" it's pretty much all I can do not to want to fall at his feet and be all, "Dude, Kyle, I would wait a THOUSAND summers if that's what you really want". These guys are something special, and I can't wait to hear what comes next.


6. David Wax Museum [Everything Is Saved] // Yes, Maria, Yes



These guys were in my mid-year best of list, and here's what I said about them back then : "Irresistibly infectious countrified folk rock with large doses of Mexican influences and enough handclaps to make anyone giddy. Also they use a donkey's jawbone as part of their percussion because that's not creepy at all."

I am glad to say I don't love them any less than I did in June. As for what makes Yes Maria Yes my favourite of the bunch, let's just put it this way : handclaps + accordion. Also it's hard not to love a band that throws some delicious phonetic wordplay at you now and then (I talktalktalk you don't listen/ I talktalktalk you don't listen).


7. M83 [Hurry Up, We're Dreaming] // Steve McQueen



The major flaw first : as Beckeye has pointed out in her own list, Hurry Up We're Dreaming really does not need to be a double album. There is only so much swirling synth and ethereal vocal harmony that one mortal listener can stomach. Taken in small doses though, there are some seriously standout tracks on this record. My initial favourite was the saxophone-filled goodness of Midnight City, but Steve McQueen started growing on me more with every listen. I would have never imagined describing a song built almost entirely on synths and keyboards and an 80s sound template to be EPIC, but that is exactly what this song is. It's HUGE ; the drums are thunderous, the keyboards and synths swirl and explode like they are their own cosmic event, the lyrics are grandiose as all hell. I am not much of a fan of electronica, but when I meet an album and a song as transcendent as this, I really just have to swallow my prejudices, sit back, and enjoy the experience.


8. The Lonely Wild [Dead End EP] // Dead End



This song in particular is a boy/girl harmony combo, which doesn't have much room on my musical taste template. But these two sound like they were pretty much born to sing together, and with no one else, and it's hard not to melt just a little. The melody is gorgeous, the guitar riff is stunning, the harmonies are of course perfect beyond all fault, and there is just the right amount of aching steel guitar working away in the background. Understated, classy, and just plain beautiful. Also, yes, lead singer dude is fairly easy on the eye. Not that physical appearance matters when it comes down to good music, but a pretty guy with a pretty voice singing pretty songs never hurt anybody, I say. Pretty on, Lonely Wild dude.


9. Fleet Foxes [Helplessness Blues] // Helplessness Blues



I'm probably in the minority when I say I enjoyed the Fleet Foxes' debut more than this release, but Helplessness Blues (the track) is right up there on my list of favourite songs...of forever, maybe. Again, the harmonies are killer. The acoustic guitar is positively jubilant and almost on the verge of snapping under the weight and intensity of Robin Pecknold's existential crisis. If you were to ask me to pick a snippet of my favourite lyrics from this one, I would not be able to do it ; every word and every turn of phrase is perfection.


10. James Vincent McMorrow [Early In The Morning] // We Don't Eat



Bon Iver comparisons have been inevitable and relentless for Irishman Mr. McMorrow, who also shut himself away in a woodland cabin to compose songs of heartbreak, in isolation. But where Bon Iver's debut initially did nothing but put me to sleep, James' lush, soulful voice and gorgeous instrumentation caught my attention immediately. This is just pretty, you guys. Woodland cabin aside, the only thing this man has in common with Justin Vernon is that falsetto, and a healthy amount of folk-beard. We Don't Eat is a slow-burner of gently growing gorgeousness and building strings and subtle harmonies, topped with one of my favourite choruses of the year : "We don't eat until your father's at the table/We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust". This man needs more love, and you can start right here, right now.


11. Arctic Monkeys [Suck It And See]// Suck It And See



It was a joy and a pleasure to see 2011 provide a return to my favourite flavour of Monkeys. These guys can rock out just as hard as the hipsterest of them, but to me they are at the top of their game when they're sweet, melodious, funny, tender, when they bring in the irresistible hooks, and when Alex Turner's remarkably witty, pithy and downright adorable lyrical prowess is given the chance to shine ( You're rarer than a can of dandelion and burdock/And those other girls are just post-mix lemonade). I've said before that the title track is probably the most gorgeous thing Turner and co. have ever recorded to date, and this sentiment still holds true now, at the end of the year.
This is an album I have been steadily falling (and remaining) in love with throughout 2011, and there is absolutely no sign that my affection for this set of 12 songs is going to fade any time soon. If I had arranged this list by rank, Suck It And See would be number one, without a shadow of a doubt. It was too much trouble sorting out numbers 2 to 25 though, so you'll have to settle for this.
O Arctic Monkeys, we've come such a long way since those dark days when I shunned you because of your accents, and then again because of the widely-maligned Humbug. Forgive me my youthful follies, and let us promise to never ever ever break up ever again.


12. Zola Jesus [Conatus] // Vessel



Zola Jesus is the 22-year old (there we go again with the talented young people making me feel inadequate) Russian-American songwriter Nika Roza Danilova. Mixing large amounts of electronica with some sort of goth-opera to taste, Vessel is a wide, sparse and very dark sonic landscape of synths, ghostly electronic bloops and creaks, and chillingly chopped up vocals. Other songs on the album provide dashes of piano and even strings, but the end product is always minimalistic, almost but-not-quite to the point of being skeletal. Conatus is not an easy listen, but it's always hauntingly beautiful in its own creepy way, and more importantly, never boring.


13. Patrick Wolf [Brumalia EP] // Pelicans



Here's the thing ; I did not enjoy Patrick's 2011 full-length release, Lupercalia. I did like some parts of it, and as an indie pop product it wasn't horrible. But Patrick Wolf was happy, content and perfectly joyous when he wrote the songs on that album, and while I am happy that Patrick is happy, Lupercalia ended up being far, far, far less interesting, mysterious and enthralling than his usual work, and it was chock-full of the most sugary-sweet romantic sentiments, and lyrics so generic I had to stop myself physically cringing at times. The Magic Position was also an extremely pop-based album, but at least that contained more than enough sinister tones and subject matter to make sure the songs never came close to becoming trite. Lupercalia was a crushing disappointment.
I still worship the man, but fortunately Brumalia came along to appease me. The handful of songs it carries contains enough darkness, strings, multiple-Patrick harmonies and distorted, chopped-up electronica to make them sound like they could have very easily fit into Patrick's two earliest (and my personal favourite) albums, Lycanthropy and Wind in the Wires. The guy is allowed to make happy music if he wants to, but this EP pretty much solidified the fact that I like my Patrick Wolf darker, angstier, bloodier and way more melodramatic.


14. WU LYF [Go Tell Fire To The Mountain] // Heavy Pop



It was quite a task picking one standout track from an album full of cathartic, euphoric anthems, but Heavy Pop wins out in the end. WU LYF (or World Unite! Lucifer Youth Foundation - yeah I have no idea why either. Pretentious assholes). WU LYF are a bit of an acquired taste in the sense that lead singer Ellery Roberts' voice never evolves beyond a full-throated, animalistic roar most of the time. Depending on where you're coming from, that either means he can't be arsed to enunciate properly, or that the songs are meant to communicate such a primal level of emotion and pure, hands-in-the-air euphoria that it will never matter what the lyrics are, anyway. I particularly like Consequence of Sound's description of his vocal stylings : "Ellery James Roberts, lead singer of WU LYF, talks in the same voice he sings in, which is a cross between Tibetan monk throat singers and a 20-something Tom Waits". If this seems appealing to you, dig right in!

Like M83, these guys have more than earned the label EPIC - the album was even recorded in a church. Heavy Pop is probably the epitome of what these guys do best ; every song has that soaring guitar, those EARTH-SHATTERING drums, Ellery Roberts' frantic yowling (the only thing you'll be able to make out is "I wanna feel at home" ), and the organ music, which gives a lovely cathedral-esque, larger than life atmosphere. The track takes it time getting warmed up, and by the time that distant harmonica introduces itself at around the 2-minute mark, and the EARTH-SHATTERING drums kick in, you're probably starry-eyed and completely, shamelessly sold (if you're anything like me, that is). Check out a terrific Blogotheque version of the track over here.



15. The Cave Singers [No Witch] // No Prosecution If We Bail



Folk-rock has never sounded so badass. Like our friend the divisive Ellery Roberts, The Cave Singers are also fronted by a singer with a feral, yowly voice, but to this guy's credit, he actually enunciates more. He can also sound, by turns, tender, nostalgic, and like on this track I've chosen, pretty much ready to kick your teeth in, effortlessly transitioning between yelping, growling, and his normal register. I am still not sure what exactly he's singing about, but this song is rowdy, dirty fun, and hell, even a little sexy.


16. Foster The People [Torches] // Helena Beat



Like most people, my first introduction to Foster The People was the chilled-out, bass-alicious sounds of Pumped Up Kicks. After listening to the full album a few times, however, I realized that judging Foster and co. by that one breakout track was not only unfair to the dudes, but also not an accurate representation of what these guys actually sound like. Tracks like Helena Beat, Houdini and Call It What You Want totally (and unexpectedly, for me) blow Kicks right out of the proverbial water. They're not mindblowingly original and are unlikely to be hailed as groundbreaking pioneers of electronica or indie pop (they totally win my award for CUTEST BAND EVER though, giggle giggle), but they're fun, they're catchy, and they're refreshing. Call them MGMT-lite if you will, but sometimes all you need is something to dance to. I'm super excited to be seeing them live in about a couple weeks' time. If you're reading this and you're going to be in the KL area in the second week of January, what are you waiting for? GO GET TICKETS before that shit's sold out!


17. Frightened Rabbit [A Frightened Rabbit EP] // Scottish Winds



It may seem a bit like cheating to have a tiny little 3-song EP on a best albums list, but everything Frightened Rabbit does is flawless. FLAWLESS. If they had released nothing this year save for a sample of a three-chord progression, it would have probably made this list, and perhaps even topped it. What I have for these guys is mad mad love, kay? The three songs on this release are typical mist-and-rain drenched Scottish misery, with the usual lush instrumentation, and Scott Hutchison's melancholy brogue seemingly wrenching every word from the depths of his talented, long-suffering guts. Scottish Winds in particular wins for having some of the most gorgeous lyrics I have had the pleasure of hearing in 2011, and for making me feel more patriotic than any national anthem I have ever come across, including Italy's. And the Italian anthem is pretty damned stirring and all, so you know I mean business.

"Come burl around my body Scottish blood
I'll try not to spill a drop, I'm sure you've spilled enough
And the English fucking rule will mean nothing to these towns
Run forever in my veins bold Scottish blood"


18. Beirut [The Rip Tide] // Goshen



If I could, I would also totally hire Zach Condon to be my personal lullaby singer. It's like every sound that comes out of this guy's mouth is designed to make me melt. I love the stripped-down, minimal approach he has taken with The Rip Tide, which showcases the gorgeous gorgeous melodies, and Zach's even more gorgeous voice. Like East Harlem, Goshen centres around the same verses and chorus being repeated over slowly-building harmonies and drums and (for once, understated) trumpets. By the time this song has hit the 2-minute mark, I am already a puddle of gooey happy on the floor.


19. Florence + The Machine [Ceremonials] // What The Water Gave Me



Florence's second album is even more bombastic, grandiose and massive than her first, which is a feat I did not think she was capable of accomplishing. Her songs rarely go into subject matter more profound than boys and falling in love and breaking up, but all these are akin to cosmic events in Miss Welch's emotional spectrum, and the songs reveal this. The hooks are massive, the string section is filled to overflowing, the drums are thunderous and tribal, and her voice still soars over it all like some fiery-haired avenging angel.

Despite this, my favourite track off the album is the one with the most restraint, the most control, and as a result the most sophistication in songwriting and production. This is dark, sexy, compelling stuff. And unlike her usual dynamics of LOUD-soft-LOUDER-soft-LOUDEST, this track actually builds upon itself with a purpose and a tension, before finally breaking out into that crazy final section of crashing drums and harp and electric guitar. As much as I love Florence when she is loud and unabashed and excessive, What The Water Gave Me is a testament to how good she can be when she holds back. Time to take some pointers from yourself, girlfriend.


20. Frank Turner [England Keep My Bones] // Glory Hallelujah



Ever since I first met Frank Turner in a mixed CD sent to me by the always awesome Badtempered Zombie, I was unreasonably convinced that the guy was Canadian. Imagine my surprise when I finally found out that he is very English, and that his most recent album is a glorious meditation on Shakespeare,mortality and the very essence of Englishness. Glory Hallelujah, although probably not the best track on this album, is my favourite nonetheless ; it reminds me of everything I have learned to love about Mr. Turner. In four and a half minutes, and with the simplest of lyrics, he manages to defy God, divine intervention and organized religion, which may sound like atheist propaganda. But this track does more; it celebrates everything large and small about the beauty and freedom and joy of simple human existence, and on top of that he's got us clapping our hands and tapping our feet. Regardless of your opinions on God, this is just a great jam, you guys. And for a guy who spends so much time singing about death, Frank Turner makes some of the most life-affirming music I have ever heard in my still-young life.


21. Lykke Li [Wounded Rhymes] // Love Out Of Lust



Lykke Li's debut album was far too cutesy and precious for me to get into, so I truly welcomed the change in her sound this year. The new Lykke is edgy, angry, intense. Her voice is used to its full depth and volume, and what a voice it is. The tracks blend everything from synths to booming tribal drums to 60s girl group vocal stylings, and Lykke herself is by turns aggressively sexual and tenderly vulnerable. She is sassy and sensual on Get Some, where even her seduction sounds more like a death threat. But is when she gets melancholy and soft that she appeals to me the most ; Love Out Of Lust is gorgeous - the pounding drums are still there, but there is a longing, haunted quality to every instrument, down to that high-pitched, soaring whistle-thing that comes in during the chorus. "We will live longer than I will/We will be better than I was/We can cross rivers with our will/We can do better than I can". Badass Lykke Li is amazing, but this song is the most vulnerable and open she allows herself to become, and I can't help but love her all the more for it.


22. Ezra Furman & The Harpoons [Mysterious Power] // Teenage Wasteland



It's probably a bit much for a bunch of guys well out of college to keep singing about rebellious teenage apathy, but Ezra and his Harpoons do such a damn fine job of it, it's really hard to fault them. They are able to perfectly and hilariously articulate every angst-filled concern anyone has ever felt about their identity and place in the world (and failed relationships, for good measure) during the years of teenage-hood and the early twenties, and then couple that with noisy, raucous, harmonica-driven punkish rock that sonically encapsulates all the frustration and restlessness of that period of life. These guys make existential dilemmas FUN, and frankly I never want them to stop, because who knows what they've got in store for the mid-life crisis albums.


23. Bon Iver [Bon Iver, Bon Iver] // Holocene


Bon Iver and a kitty!

This album is still taking its time to grow on me, but I much prefer the more electric-based Bon Iver to the acoustic leanings of his debut which - and I have said this many times over many posts - initially succeeded only in putting me to sleep every time I tried to give it a shot. I've learned to appreciate the Justin Vernon vibe since then, but having said that, it's the single, almost 100% acoustic track Holocene that won me over. It's just a flat-out beautiful song in every way, and even the music video was filmed in Iceland. You don't get much prettier than Iceland, I tell you.


24. Lia Ices [Grown Unknown] // Daphne (featuring Justin Vernon)



Lia Ices' (which is evidently not her real name ; I should Google this shit) album is full of floaty, dreamy, string-drenched and handclap-adorned forest-esque folk. Tracks like the Bon Iver-supported and approved Daphne, and Ice Wine make me feel like I am being serenaded by a wood nymph or something. Every instrument has this air of ethereal sorrow about it, and it says a great deal that I find her voice the most beautiful and moving when she isn't singing words at all ; check out the 2:00 minute mark on Daphne and justify my feelings, dammit. Also this Justin Vernon douche is like, all over the place, isn't he? But the track really picks up and ascends into a higher level of gorgeousness once his unmistakable falsetto joins in, with drums and piano and electric guitar thrown in for good measure. Brings a tear to my eye, this does.


25. Austra [Feel It Break] // Lose It



Less creepy than the aforementioned Zola Jesus, Austra still comes armed with massive synth hooks and enough dark lyrical imagery to remind me of a less ethereal Bat For Lashes. While Beat and the Pulse would probably win the award for the most badass intro to any song I've heard this year, the wordless chorus in Lose It is simply the epitome of an earworm. It's fun and catchy, and for a track on an album with so much synth and electronica and cold robot sounds, it manages to be warm and wonderfully enchanting despite itself. Well played, Canadians.

Real Men Wear Cravats : BAP's List of Literary Crushes.

I'll be the first to admit that when it comes to fictional boys, the bulk of my attention is reserved for those on screen, but doubt not the fact that I have had my share of infatuations with men who dwell in lands of ink and paper as well. And considering the fact that I am majoring in English Literature, dammit, I'd say this list was a long time coming.


Before I go any further, I'd just like to get mushy for a bit and quickly mention that my aunt was probably the single largest influence on my reading habits as a kid. She would take me by the hand into a bookstore every time she came over to visit, and turn me loose in the children's section with a “Take whatever you want, and however many you like”. I was a good kid, and honestly lousy at taking advantage of people, so I'd never go beyond a RM15 purchase if I could help it. My aunt rectified this by piling more books into my arms anyway ; everything she had remembered reading and loving during her own childhood, she wanted me to read and love. There was never such a thing as a budget when it came to these special shopping trips.

And it's largely thanks to her that these days I cannot imagine going through life without a book within arm's reach whenever possible. Consequently, she's a part of the reason that I'm doing an English degree at all, and it's a fucking shame that she is never going to see me graduate. And perhaps unsurprisingly, she's the one who introduced me to and/or bought me pretty much every book on this list. We fangirled over all the Austen heroes any chance we got. We walked into a person's house and immediately (and unfairly) judged them based on how many books they had in the place. Every time I pick up a novel to read, it is because of her, and it is for her, and I owe her big time for that.


Here we go, in no particular order, and with many pretty pictures from various TV and film adaptations, where available, to make up for the fact that this is one long-ass post :

1. Julian Kirrin [The Famous Five series, Enid Blyton]

Enid Blyton's Famous Five series was my first foray into the world of proper full-length books, as a wide-eyed eight year old. This was where I met the big brother in the mystery-solving Famous 5 gang, and I was completely taken in by his bossiness, protectiveness and adorable arrogance fueled by what I now recognize as the male ego. And although the kid who played him in the 1996 TV adaptation looked incredibly dopey :


He kind of got really hot in the space of roughly 15 years :



'Sup Julian.




2. Laertes [Hamlet, William Shakespeare]

Here's the thing – I had a crush on Hamlet first. I had this picture in my mind of a tortured, conflicted Scandinavian supermodel prince with really great cheekbones. Like this.



To be hot, or to be hotter?

For the first few acts, I was completely smitten with Hamlet and his tragic predicaments. And then he just got whinier, angstier and ever more spineless. I found myself reading monologue upon monologue of him waxing philosophical about mortality and sin, which is all well and good, but damn I wished he would just go and kill someone already. And on top of all that, he decides to take out his frustrations on the only other character even more vulnerable than himself - Ophelia. What a dick.

It was only then that Laertes, brother of Ophelia and Dude Who Works As A Something For The Danish Monarchy But I Don't Remember What, began to seem far more appealing. Laertes, while perhaps nowhere near as intelligent or poetic as Hamlet Prince Of Emo, was most definitely noble, courageous, honorable, and devoted to his family and duty. His adoration for his sister was heart-melting, and it is utterly tragic that he had to lose his entire family and then his own life, for no other reason than the fact that Hamlet was taking too long to make up his mind. Also if a ghost had appeared to Laertes in Act I and told him to kill someone in the name of righteous revenge, Laertes would have marched right up there with this sword and taken down names and chopped off some heads by Act II.


3. Fitzwilliam Darcy [Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen]

Mr. Darcy was my introduction to the world of brooding, silent heroes, and to the world of Jane Austen, and consequently led to my fascination with anything labelled "British", "period" and with the word "cravat" mentioned somewhere. While Austen novels and their adaptations provide plenty of great fodder to analyze through the lens of class, social structure and gender issues, I won't lie ; it is the brooding hot men of the (mostly) upper classes, who once in a while will threaten to loosen a cravat or unbutton a shirtsleeve or two, that keep me holding on. The ones with the seemingly icy, douchey, self-important exteriors, the ones that appear harsh, obsessed with propriety and have no time for the frivolities of lower class women and their insistence on having dances for no reason all the time. The ones who hide boiling passions, good hearts and noble, sensitive souls beneath their impeccably-mannered, coolly dismissive, exquisitely coiffed and cravat-ed facades (I really like cravats okay). And Darcy was the original. I won't get into much detail here, since there are and have been far too many women throughout history who have been extolling his hot, hot virtues. While many other fictional men, of the Austenian persuasion or otherwise, have come and gone, Fitzwilliam Darcy always has a place in my otherwise oh-so-fickle heart.



We'll always have Pemberley, sir.


4. St.John Rivers [Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë]

I'm sorry, but Edward Rochester does not hold a candle to the celibate sex bomb that is St.John Rivers. He is every bit as intense, charismatic and smouldering as Rochester, if not more. He is also not likely to lie about locking up his poor, insane wife in an attic, or be an immoral, selfish opportunist. His source of intense broodery is his deep and passionate love for a young local lady, which he denies himself on account of his dedication to religion and bodily purity. Edward Cullen, this is how you make abstinence HOT.

Sure, St.John has every intention of marrying Jane and then running off to Africa together to do the Lord's missionarying, but at least he is completely direct and forthright about it. Also, he's HOT. He also sees Jane as his intellectual and emotional equal, something Rochester was never able to do, and if not for him and his sisters our heroine would never have developed and strengthened both her individuality and her position in a class-obsessed society. And what does she do? Why, run back to Rochester of course, albeit now as a strong self-made woman. But back to Rochester. Ugh. Not even casting Michael Fassbender in that role is likely to change my opinion of the character, and mind you, someone has already done that.



On a more Rochester-positive note, The Fassbender is totally working those mutton chops. You go gurrrl.


5. Mr. Charles Bingley [Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen]

There is a tendency for adaptations of this novel to turn him into the bumbling, slightly foolish source of comic relief. In reality though, Bingley is sweet, sensitive, sunny, trusting, generous, bright, utterly lovable, quite incapable of disliking anyone or anything, and basically free of both pride and prejudice (suck it, Darcy). The only drawbacks to his character are his self-admitted short attention span, a certain lack of initiative in matters of the heart, and his habit of losing his backbone around his sisters, who are a couple of snooty, pushy,manipulative and vile little bitches. He is a delightfully refreshing change to the dark, complicated, brooding romantic hero with seemingly shady secrets. The nice guys of literature deserve some cred too, you guys.



Also, pretty ginger men. I demand more pretty ginger men in my 19th century literary adaptations.


6. Robbie Turner [Atonement, Ian McEwan]



I will admit that I was only interested in reading this after learning of the existence of the film adaptation starring my Scrawny Scottish Sex God, James McAvoy. I even got the movie tie-in edition of the novel , with James on the cover, because who says you can't enjoy award-winning serious-business LITERATURE! and nomworthy boys at the same time amiright? Reading and watching Atonement is a devastating experience of guilt, lies , lives being torn apart and the futile search for - well, for atonement, set against the backdrop of World War II. And if you know me, you know that soldier stories make me cry, but especially this one, because James McAvoy Robbie Turner spends all his time in the war hanging on to his intense and pure love for Kiera Knightley Cecilia Tallis to keep his humanity intact in the face of the unspeakable hell he needs to deal with every day. And when that final reveal comes towards the end of the book, and the enormity of everything you have just read about Robbie and his life really hits you? If you don't weep just a little bit, then you are surely not human.

Bonus James McAvoy in an emotionally devastating suit.



7. Remus Lupin [All of the Most of the Harry Potters, J.K Rowling]




Most internet fangirlism energies are concentrated on three of Harry Potter's ultimate bad boys ; Sirius Black, Severus Snape, and Draco Malfoy (hahaha what?). They were misunderstood, conflicted, tortured, and gave birth to millions of angst-ridden (read:slash) fan fiction. But I developed a crush on everyone's favourite werewolf right about three sentences after he first appears in Prisoner Of Azkaban. Gentle, firm, composed, lonely, obviously intelligent and evidently hiding something, Lupin was probably the most compelling adult character in the books (right after Dumbledore of course, who sometimes made me apprehensive and nervous in ways Voldemort never managed to).

I was especially touched to find out that J.K Rowling saw him as the best teacher she never had , and that he was one of her favourite characters. Everything about Lupin breaks my heart, to put it simply. Sure he was just as tortured and tragic and conflicted as say, Sirius Black was. And lonely, oh so very lonely. But what really got me was how good Lupin was, despite all the shit he had to deal with in life – that quiet determination to always do the right thing, to place faith in people who needed it, and to always believe the best of the kids under his care. It's tough for a girl not to melt just a little bit. This man deserves a lot more love than he's getting.


10. John Ridd [Lorna Doone, Richard Doddridge Blackmore]

I first read Lorna Doone in 1999, and I still have no idea how my 9 year-old self managed to understand anything of what happened in that story, let alone what any of the characters were saying. All I knew was that one day, I too wanted a boy who would love me enough to scale a waterfall barefoot to save me from my evil oppressors.



11. Mr. Knightley [Emma, Jane Austen]
Mainly because I picture him in my head as Richard Armitage (take note, casting directors of the earth). But Mr. Knightley is just refined, mature, bossy, kind, loving, intelligent, manly, sensitive and hella sexy enough to make me resist the overwhelming urge to punch Emma Woodrow in the mouth every time I so much as think about her character. And when I think about her, all I see is Gwyneth Paltrow, so perhaps the character is not all to blame in this case.


This is Richard Armitage. He's really hot when he's wearing a cravat, loosening a cravat, or taking off a cravat. These credentials are indisputable. Make another Emma and put him in it, stat.



12. Michael Moscovitz [The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot]
The Princess Diaries found a special place in my girly heart all those years ago when I first read it as a 13 year-old who had just watched the trite, predictable Disney adaptation, and wanted to get in on the book series [and when I say trite, I mean it – instead of the protagonist's father being a survivor of testicular cancer, the film just decided to kill him off and turn him into this mythical, inspirational dispenser-of-paternal-wisdom-through -journal-entries. Like Mufasa, only his head doesn't appear in clouds.] And let me tell you that the movies have not come anywhere close to doing the source material any justice. Meg Cabot transcended puerile princess culture with heavy doses of wit and intelligence, with an awkward, pop-culture savvy heroine determined to become her own individual, surrounded by characters you wanted to have as best friends, or your crazy neighbours. If I ever end up with a young teenage niece or cousin hankering for some fluffy princessy chick-litty stuff, these are the books I'll be putting in her hands.



But I digress. Anyway, the crushworthy character in question is the Most Perfect Boy in New York, Michael Moscovitz. He writes his own songs. He codes his own computer programs. He knows all the Star Wars movies by heart. He is romantic in an incredibly low-key, sweet way. He runs his own webzine. He makes prototype robotic limbs. He's sensible, mature, level-headed, and for a teenage boy, that is a big deal. He's usually perceptive to others' feelings (he has his numbskull moments but he's so perfect in every other way that it wouldn't be fair to punish him for those rare lapses in his usually pristine state of... perfection). All this, may I add, by the time he got into his first year at college. In other words, Hottest Geekboy Who Never Existed. We should all be so lucky to find our own Michael Moscovitzes in life.



13. Faramir [Lord of the Rings, J.R.R Tolkien]
I could never understand the infatuation with Aragorn's character; not in the book, and certainly not in the films, where pretty much all I felt was a strong and non-erotic desire to give the rightful King Of Gondor a good shampooing. Faramir, on the other hand, is where it's at. Gentle, noble , sensitive and tragic , with an appreciation for poetry and song. He is like the Renaissance man of Middle Earth (I'm pretty sure they have a term for that). And unless I am very much mistaken, he was one of the very few people in the books who could actually resist the evil lure of the ring, because he is that freaking pure of heart, you guys. Not even Frodo could pull off that shit. I could never understand why Faramir got so little attention, and was utterly thrilled to see him get together with my other most favourite person in LOTRdom, Eowyn The Bad ass. And to be fair, David West is pretty easy on the eye.



Y U NO HAVE MORE FANGIRLS, FARAMIR?

14. Captain Frederick Wentworth [Persuasion, Jane Austen]



The fictional character responsible for The. Most. Romantic. Thing. Ever. Written.

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.

"I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never."


Brb, swooning forever.

But no, seriously. On top of that letter, they (they being the BBC) go ahead and cast Rupert Penry-Jones in the role for the TV adaptation, cravat and shirtsleeves and all. Have you no mercy, British people and your hot hot culture?


15. Atticus Finch [To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee]


Everyone knows Atticus Finch. Everyone knows that he is the closest thing to a perfect human being that could ever exist. There are no words to describe his wisdom and compassion and courage and extra-hot DILFness. Instead I give you bonus young Gregory Peck, in uniform.



Guuuuuhhhh.

A notable exception here would be the ultimate Byronic hero, Heathcliff. I do still enjoy reading Wuthering Heights for its intensity, complexity, creepiness, fucked-up relationship dynamics and stockpile of "Holy shit that did NOT just happen!" moments. But Heathcliff, that abusive, intimidating, foul-tempered, vile, bitter, manic-depressive, necrophiliac puppy-murderer? I DON'T THINK SO, EMILY BRONTE. I DON'T THINK SO.


Also guys, feel free to steal this, like I did, and post your own lists at your leisure. Our love for hot men who don't exist but really should must always be shared. I leave you with one last luscious tidbit of literary wisdom which Google Images saw fit to throw in my direction this evening, and I share it now with you.


You're damn right they do.

Decisions, Decisions.

Next semester, I will have enough credit hours to take up a few extra, unrelated courses, and I am seriously considering making room for a language class. This is naturally a big decision, considering the level of commitment it is going to take to learn how to speak, read and write a foreign tongue from scratch. So I've drawn up a little list to help me decide which sexy foreign language would be the best option.

French

• If I am not greatly mistaken, this is one of the most widely spoken languages in Europe and it would be a natural advantage if I ever decide to go on a backpacking trip around the continent.
  
• I would increase my knowledge and ability of speaking French beyond adding "le" to the beginning of every other English word in conversation (which, admittedly, is very funny, but also not very classy).
• Think also of all the great French philosophers ; Sartre and Comte, just to name a couple. I'd be able to read their works in the original French, and then you know, show off.
  
• And then one day when I'm out ordering baguettes for breakfast in some chic French bakery, some sexy French dude will notice me, and we will get French married and have sex forever. And by French dude I mean him ;
  
  
  Smoking is so le chic and le ladyboner-inducing when the French do it.
  
• And if it doesn't work out with the French dude, there is always Canada.

Italian

• Pasta!
• Go backpacking. Impress sexy Italian dude with my linguistic abilities. Acquire sexy Italian dude.
  
  
  
  So Paolo Nutini is technically Scottish by nationality, but really. Such trivialities.
  
  

German

• I've heard a lot about German being a rather aesthetically unpleasing language ; Sylvia Plath likened it to "barbed wire" in one of the poems we studied last semester, and I remember someone else having written that the language sounded like a typewriter eating aluminium. But I've always been fascinated by how similar it is to English, which could also be an advantage when it comes to learning vocabulary.
  
• Also, backpack around Germany. Acquire sexy German dude.
  Or if I'm really lucky, the entire German national Under-21 football squad. I'm pretty sure all of them are over 18 at least. I think.
  
  
  Or I'll settle for Michael Fassbender. Really, it's no trouble. No trouble at all.
  Also it has come to my recent attention that I apparently have a cigarette smoke kink. Damn all these hot famous people and their bad habits.
  

Spanish

• You know the drill by now, yes? Travel Spain, perhaps South America. Acquire sexy Spanish dude. I don't really care about the all the Spanish-language literature I could be reading (go fly a kite, Pablo Neruda).
  

Meet Xabi Alonso ; footballer, all-round classy motherfucker, my favourite Spanish person ever, and world champion nonchalant shirt-cuffs-adjusting/watch-promoting wall-leaner. I am coming for you with my Spanishes, Xabi.


Russian

• I've heard that learning the Cyrillic alphabet can be a real bitch, but think about how inspired I'd be to actually finish Anna Karenina, and then read it in its original language. Maybe those long-ass names won't annoy me so much, either. Seriously Tolstoy/translators, after the 35th time you've referred to Sergius Ivanich Koznyshev by his full name, I think we'd already have a pretty good grasp on who he is, thanks.
• Come to think of it, there's a barrel of other Russians to be tackled as well ; Nabokov, Dostoevsky, Chekhov. So in terms of Teh Literatures, there's plenty that learning Russian could do to enhance my learning experiences.
  
• Also ; travel Russia, acquire sexy Russian dude.
  

Misha Collins. American, but Russian enough. Which means I'll just have to travel Chicago or wherever it is he's living now.


Japanese

• This would obviously be the toughest, with Japanese really having the least similarity with any other language I already speak. Not to mention having to learn to write from scratch too ; I dumped a Mandarin class halfway once, being the good 10-year old coward I was back then. Tonal languages are way intimidating, you guys.
  
• Traveling around Japan would be awkward, since I would be presumably be the only brown person around for miles, but my ability to speak the language may make things like acquiring sexy Japanese dudes much easier.
  
  
  Takeshi Kaneshiro, who is technically half-Taiwanese, but it's a good thing we're not keeping score or anything. Hotness is universal after all.
  
  
  
  So this really hasn't helped much with the decision-making, to be honest. But at least we all got some global-flavoured eye candy, am I right? Right. You're welcome.