I'm back because an old friend made me promise to put up at least one new blog post this week. She said I "owe it to myself", and even if it's difficult or not particularly enjoyable, I need to start somewhere before it begins to get easier. And I'm somewhat surprised and saddened at how difficult this is right now - I have to think longer before the words come to mind, before sentences form. Everything feels clunky and awkward. It's been too long since I've written anything longer than a text message.
It's been a long year (!) of me leaving things unfinished - or worse - unstarted. Call it a quarter-life crisis if you will? But I've been overcome with the irrational and unshakable belief that nothing can go wrong if I just don't start anything. And so I've left books unread, TV shows and movies unwatched, many emails and texts unanswered. I've let this blog go. I have been unemployed and miserable. I have avoided friends and acquaintances because I can't face them with this deep, burning shame about the fact that I'm not being an adult in the right way, the proper way. I could probably count the number of times I've left the house in 2015 on one hand.
It's a pathetic state, you guys. It's a haze of self-pity, apathy and crushing self-doubt that has imposed itself for weeks, months. I no longer believe that I'm witty or smart or fun to be around or a good writer or a competent worker or a great friend, no matter who tries to tell me otherwise.
My desire to dress up or at least maintain my appearance has nosedived as well - I'm ugly, worthless. Who cares if I haven't had a haircut in a year? I want pity and understanding from people about this state of mind, but I hate myself for asking this of my friends and family. It's not their job to tell me to get my shit together. That is entirely on me. But even trying to start is pretty hard. It gets comfortable down here, wallowing in one's own negativity. Once you've shifted gears to "EVERYTHING IS SHIT" in your mind, it's so hard to look at anything with positivity or potential or worth, especially yourself.
I can't say exactly what triggered this state of affairs for me, but the primary culprit seems to be a paralyzing fear of mediocrity and/or failure, exacerbated by the unrealistically high expectations I've set for myself (and that I imagine other people have set for me - I can't even seem to take a compliment these days without teetering on the edge of panic and wondering what do they want from me??).
But the good thing here is that at least I have some self-awareness that this is not a great place to be, and in many ways the only thing anchoring me to this mental and emotional shithole is myself. I would love it if I could simply "snap out of it". But this kind of thing takes a lot of work, unfortunately, and I'm trying to take small but sure baby steps out of it. And one small, sure thing I can do right now is to start blogging again.
At first considered just deleting this one, burning all my old posts to the ground and moving on to Wordpress or something. But it really is a shame to destroy all my older ramblings, the stuff that kept you guys coming back and forged friendships and connections. But a fresh start (literally and symbolically) is probably what I really need now, so I'll leave this blog up for posterity and come back with a link to my new blogging platform of choice once I've set things up over there. And if even one or two of you lovely people would be willing to update your blogroll and tag along with me, it would be ever so appreciated.
Here's to (tentative) new beginnings.
