"Oh No. Now Not Only Do We Have To Worry About All The Charms You've Eaten, But Now Brad's Just Pissed Off God."

I have always had a bit of a fetish for military-themed films and books (with a particular affinity for World War Two). In fact, I watched the very EPIC Band Of Brothers when I was 10 or 11 years old. It was probably really really inappropriate viewing material for me at the time but thankfully nobody really noticed and I turned out just fine, thank you. So imagine my delight when I stumbled across another war miniseries on Cinemax, promising me hours and hours of Trauma, Man Pain, Deep Issues To Ponder Over In A Quasi-Intellectual Manner, Emotional Porn, and naturally also some fairly Pretty And/Or Ripped Marine Dudes.


Why This Show Be Awesome And Is Needings Your Love. Lots Of It.

"Traditionally, Recon Marines are not deployed for combat missions. Their expertise lies in stealth operations. But in Iraq, they were ordered to race headlong into combat -- in tin-plated open-air Humvees. This misuse of resources is at the heart of the series and provides Simon a through-line that will be familiar to viewers of The Wire: characters futilely fighting the bureaucracy in which they are trapped. "

Generation Kill is based on the book of the same title by journalist Evan Wright, who was an embedded reporter for Rolling Stone magazine during the first 40 days of the invasion of Iraq with 1st Recon Marine Batallion, notably Bravo Company, observing and chronicling (chronicling?) the soldier's experiences during those first six weeks or so. Naturally, the show takes more of a journalistic standpoint and avoids over-romanticizing war and soldierly camaraderie like Band of Brothers tended to do. Neither is there any blatant political statement, and hardly any time is spent bashing George Bush and his stupidity. It focuses more on the characters; the men and the shit they have to face every day, mostly from their own superiors than from the so-called bad guys. There is no well-thought out combat plan, resources are scarce and what resources the battalion actually possess are being atrociously misused, communication between ranks is virtually non-existent, commanders are making up missions for the heck of it (and to get a few medals and commendations thrown in, hopefully) and as a result lots of shitty and unwanted stuff happen to both civilians and the marines themselves. Like, marines in the desert are issued jungle camouflage uniforms. Even I don't need an explanation to know that that is bloody messed up.

The cast is truly what makes Generation Kill stand out ; they are a terrific bunch of actors and nearly all of them have mad amounts of chemistry with everyone else in their platoon, so you really get the feel that these guys have known each other for ages. The dialogue is brilliant and made up of equal parts snark, witty observations, zinging one-liners and the foulest language you ever heard on TV (and you definitely get a lot more laughs out of this show than you would expect) .There are roughly 12 to 15 main characters (and all are awesome in their own way) but I've narrowed down my favourites to just 3. I know. THREE. I impress myself.

Brad "Iceman" Colbert
"I was one of those unfortunates adopted by upper-middle-class professionals and nurtured in an environment of learning, art, and socio-religious culture steeped in over two thousand years of Talmudic tradition. Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a Whiskey Tango trailer park by a bowlegged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch a sperm of a passing truck diver. "
Played by Alexander Skarsgard (who also plays the baddest ass vampire on TV ever), the Iceman is so named because of his infinite levels of self-control, focus and his stoic, almost cold calm in the most dire of situations. This dude is huge, blond, never wavers and never loses his grip. Also he is super cultured and intelligent and sarcastic and uses really big words and long sentence structures peppered with exceedingly creative cuss words. Despite his mastery of the proverbial poker face and his cool exterior, Brad genuinely cares for his own men as well as for the Iraqi people and deeply affected by the suffering inflicted on everyone around him due to the callousness and incompetence of his superiors. Brad commands the respect and admiration of everyone else, because he is badass and he knows his stuff and is always right.
Also, he is ripped.


Ray Person
"Yeah, looks like Saddam's big bad Republican Guard hajjis got wind I was coming. As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, 'If the day does not require an AK, it is good."


Ray Person, to put it mildly, is simply the most vulgar character on television. He swears, he makes insensitive comments, he eats like an animal, he cracks jokes at the most inopportune moments, he keeps running his mouth during every waking moment of the day and breaks out into song at random, yet if you look beyond the crudeness of his mouth you will see a dude who is actually far more intelligent, perceptive and articulate than anyone will ever admit to giving him credit for. And what makes him all the more funnier is the fact that the Iceman happens to be his bestest friend in the whole world. I smell irony. Or something. Anyway this 57 second clip will tell you literally everything you need to know about Ray.



Filthy.



Nate Fick

Now Nate, Nate is my favourite. Mainly because the very poetically-named Stark Sands is so goshdarned Purdy. And I love the cinematography people for giving us all these huge ass closeups of his face so you can get a good look at his holy-shit-GREEN-eyes.


Anyway, Lt. Fick is basically in charge of Brad and Ray and all their homies, and he is proper prep school graduate material. His father was a lawyer and his mother a social worker, and he arrives in Iraq full of faith and idealism in the motives and goals of the mission. And it is heartbreaking to watch all his hopes and optimism perish in the desert because of the aforementioned messed-upness of all the higher officials. He genuinely cares about all the men under his command and often gets himself into trouble trying to protect them and help them stay out of unnecessary danger, and then he feels he has to carry the burden of all that on his own shoulders, alone (the guy literally does not smile for like, 6 episodes in a row) and he loses all his naivete and becomes reserved and strung up. And it is much sadder in his case because Nate doesn't really say a whole lot, and instead relies on his massive green puppy dog eyes to EMOTE in an EPIC fashion and convey all his deep internal struggles and make you almost cry.
Also, Nate and Brad have a very special sort of bond (born out of mutual respect and understanding, mind you - as well as the fact that Stark and Alex have some insane chemistry together) , and they spend a lot of time either eyeballing each other very meaningfully or gazing very longingly out at something else.



And I haven't even mentioned the scores of other great characters; the endearingly psychotic Trombley, the pseudo-racist Poke, the gorgeous Fruity Rudy (who actually plays himself in the series) and all the commanding officers you just want to punch in the face.
It's a bit hard for me to pass judgement on a show about war (hardly subject matter as light and fluffy as vampires or telepaths) but in terms of entertainment value and as a piece of fantastically-made film designed to provoke thought and challenge your opinions, Generation Kill, well, kills. And the ending made me cry. I mean, all that Johnny Cash and unresolved trauma-induced angst. I was pretty glad to be alone at home with nothing but cornflakes for company, thinking "Show, you are Awesome". In fact, the only unAwesome thing about this series is that it only lasts 7 episodes and was totally snubbed by the Emmys.
Boo.

Let's Get Frivolous, Frivolous.

Beckeye's latest post reminded me that there really hasn't been enough shameless, fully-fledged fangirling around these parts in tooooo long a time. And there needs to be more of it, because I only have a year and then some left in my period of teenagedomhood, that blessed phase of life when you can blame pretty much everything on raging hormones and get away with it.

Here then, I present to you an epic dose of hormonal frivolity (the best kind) in the form of a dozen or so specimens of masculinity who sexed up 2009 for the BAP (and maybe a little bit of 2008 as well). And keep in mind that this isn't an All-Time Hotties list. There's no way I could ever limit that to 1o or 12 people. I've already taken liberties as it is.

Chace Crawford
Never having been much of a Gossip Girl advocate, I was only vaguely aware of the fellow's existence, somewhere along the fringes of my everyday consciousness. Perhaps as a much better-looking Zac Efron. There was that one time I watched him drive himself to to tears on E!Entertainment News, talking about how mean the paparazzi are, and I went "Awwww" for a bit and then proceeded to forget all about him. Until one fateful Saturday afternoon when I was innocently channel-surfing and stumbled upon a repeat of an old Gossip Girl episode, featuring the aforementioned Chace of the Crawfords running across a suburban street, dressed in nothing but an impeccable pair of blue boxers. That did it. Really. Never have I so fully grasped the elusive nature of the show's fanatical appeal. And I sure do not resent the fact that I can only admire his perfection from a distance, because being in such close proximity to somebody so much Prettier and Shinier than I am would cause irreparable damage to my already fragile self-esteem.



Matthew Goode
It's the accent, I tell you. That, and the special brand of aristocratically snarky British sarcasm mixed with equal amounts self-depracation. Also that vibe he gives you that suggests he may just be a tad gay. Also, his nose. I have a thing about the man's nose.




Kings Of Leon
Yes, all of them together (even the chubby one) , as one cohesive unit of sexualness. It helps, considerably, that they have all shaved, gotten haircuts and wardrobe overhauls. Also that their lyrical and musical profundity has matured beyond songs about alcohol, blowjobs, and knocking up girls. Needless to say, this lot emerged from one heck of a gene pool (thank you, Mama and Papa Followill) and I really don't care that they once had to ban their female fans from taking pictures with them because all four guys got molested so much. But hey, them Followills are the ones wearing ridiculously tight jeans and yowling about Sex On Fire. I say suck it up, be sexy and deal.


Cam Gigandet
Robert Pattinson can take his stinky axle-greased hair and face powder and go sparkle himself to death on some bleeding meadow. This man is the best thing Twilight or anyone associated with it has done for the female gender.


Alexander Skarsgard

One of the finest things to have emerged from Sweden since, like, ABBA. You may recognize him in such masterpieces of pop culture as True Blood (in which he plays a dastardly vampire)and that Lady Gaga video(in which he plays an eye-patched but still dastardly boyfriend). Kicking back on the couch on Tuesday evenings to watch Alexander being blond, bitchy, bloodsuckish and bilingual has given me a great deal of enjoyment over the last year. Lie back and think of Scandinavia, y'all.


James McAvoy
I's amazing, really, that such a small man can pack that much sex appeal into all five feet and seven inches of his frame. Talk about talent. And his eyes, folks. His eyes. The way he looks at Kiera Knightley or whatever woman it is he's supposed to be in love with in that particular movie, he gazes at her like she's the most exquisite creature he's ever seen. Intense shit. Also, infinite number of bonus points for being a Scot (not that he can help it or anything, but still).



Paul Rudd
I've always thought Paul Rudd was pretty cute for an older guy, even way back in the day when he played Phoebe's boyfriend-then-husband Mike on Friends (I loved Mike. Mike was so awesome). It was some years later until I saw him again, this time in Knocked Up, and had I been wearing socks when I watched that, they would have totally been blown off (the socks, I mean). It is stunning how the man gets gorgeouser and younger-looking and funnier every year, and if he already looks this good now, I think I'd pee myself in anticipation of what Paul will look like when he's 70.



Jim Sturgess
The big brown eyes that remind you of warm nice things like brownies and teddy bears and mudpies. And the messy brown hair. The general air of puppydogness. The voice. The voice needs to be lovingly poured into a jar, sealed with linen and homemade beeswax and sold as microwavable comfort food. One could almost forgive him for being so bloody Liverpudlian.




Sergio Pizzorno
The guitaring extraordinaire of British electro-rockers Kasabian, who has pwned the art of creating simplistic but sexy riffs, and earned my eternal allegiance by creating this song. Not to mention he is Brit of Italian descent (a species of male I already have a professed fetish for), he is a badass mofo (albeit one with a rather nasally voice) and he has the audacity to actually look hot in a bandanna.



Paolo Nutini
Another object of my Brit/Italian fetish, and this one comes with the added bonus of a Scottish brogue and a fish-and-chips joint in Paisley. The boy is obscenely gorgeous, but that is not the full extent of his appeal, because hitting the genetic jackpot is no great achievement of individual effort, and being simply Pretty with nothing else going on for you is highly unlikely to impress me much (unless you are Chace Crawford and you look really really really good without a shirt on - I think I've made that abundantly clear). Paolo, fortunately, is a pretty terrific songwriter in his own right, and for someone who wasn't even old enough to drink (in this country) until a year ago, has the voice of an almost toothless old man with a lung problem , ravaged by a diet of whiskey, cigarettes and heartbreak. Sexy stuffs.



Ryan Kwanten
Ryan spent most of his screen time on the first season of True Blood being dumb, drunk or shirtless. He is a fairly decent actor and I know hardly anything about him, really, except that he is Aussie and that like Chace Crawford, he looks really really really ridiculously good with no clothes on. Someone also needs to make it clear to them True Blood writer people that the dude is not allowed to wear anything with sleeves ever again. Ever.



James Franco
This guy is an example of one of those celebrity crushes I genuinely respect far too much to really want to do anything dirty to. Honest. To paraphrase Beckeye, I'd rather bang his soul more than anything else. In fact, out of all the guys on this list, the only one I'd totally jump on and molest without a second thought, if given the chance, would be Chace Crawford (and maybe Ryan Kwanten- but that's about it). I mean, Franco is taking up a double master's course at UCLA, he reads James Joyce during breaks on set and knows how to spell Dostoevsky, he writes and paints and is funny and gorgeous to boot, not to mention he's also Seth Rogen's soulmate. Thank goodness it's all balanced out by the fact that he is just a tad vertically challenged, or else I'd be harbouring a great deal more resentment towards the Creator and Its evident favouritism policies.


You wouldn't believe how therapeutic that was.

Oh My God, You Are Even Better-Looking Than You Were Yesterday!

True Blood (HBO)


The Premise
In a world where the existence of vampires has become common knowledge as well as fodder for all sorts of social and political upheaval (in the States, at least) a very hot and gentlemanly vampire named Bill Compton decides to move back to his old home in the tiny little Louisiana town of Bon Temps and falls in love with the mortal mind-reading waitress with a penchant for very short shorts, Sookie Stackhouse. Seriously. That's her name! I cannot even get over the adorability of that. My possible future child is in grave danger of being blessed with an unfortunate name. Especially if it will be male.
[Considering that True Blood and Twilight are so essentially similar in many obvious ways, you may expect a great deal of extremely biased comparisons throughout the rest of this post. Just saying, is all]

Why True Blood Is Made Of Awesome

[ And Why Twilight Isn't, Although That Isn't What This Is Supposed To Be About. Not Officially. And I Refer To The Movie, By The Way. ]

1. Quotient Of Pretty
Obviously the glamorous young twenty-somethings of Twilight pack more of a punch in the nauseatingly model-esque, powder-slathered department of Pretty. Also, they sparkle in sunlight. But the folks of True Blood at least look like regular, approachable human beings (including the undead ones) and are gorgeous in all their imperfections, like Anna Paquin's wonky teeth. Also, unlike the much more chaste Twilight, the men of True Blood make it a habit to take their clothes off a lot. Like a lot. Like, some of them may even be allergic to synthetic fibre or something. And they all look good doing it. Taking off their clothes, I mean. Very few people look good being allergic to synthetic fibre.

2. Characters

The inevitable comparison comes up, naturally, between Edward Cullen and Vampire Bill. And I maintain that I quite like both, but Bill takes it to whole new level. Bill has the art of brooding in a broodish manner down to an art form, he actually speaks like he's from the 18th century, very Mr.Darcy and all, and he's a proper gentleman to boot. Plus he's all internally tortured and has a painful past and truckloads of Man Pain and Deep Issues roughly the size of Florida, and he deals with it all by playing Wii golf in the middle of the night and beauty-napping in the afternoons, and he doesn't do sissy pointless things like sparkle, or stalk his lady love or climb trees.
Also, Sookie The Telepathic Waitress could most definitely kick Bella Swan's spineless ass from here to like, Tijuana. Totally.
To add to the forbidden couple, you have Sookie's impulsive, sex-obsessed (and very hot) older brother Jason, who almost never appears with a shirt on, their lovely grandma, plus Sookie's shady boss, Sam, who also has the hots for her, plus Sookie's best friend Tara who has Deep Shit Issues of her own to deal with, and Tara's cousin Lafayette who has absolutely got to be the most fabulous character ever created on TV in the last....in the last very-long-time. Eyeliner, baby.

3. It has the baddest-ass theme song + opening credits ever.



Ever. In the history of ever. Maybe.

4. It's Cerebral

The connections with Twilight are almost too obvious at times, and we're not just discussing the vampire-human love here. But the thing with True Blood is that it at least tries to delve into other themes as well; addiction, politics, ethics, religion, prejudice and homosexuality just to name a few. And sometimes it doesn't work too great but I feel like giving it props just for the brave attempts. And occasionally it gets a bit Grey's Anatomy-ish, with people having hots for people but sleeping with other people and all. But it's a show with a brain which recognizes that its audience also possess grey cells at their disposal, and it gets as deep and dark and engaging as it possibly can, out of respect for us.

5. Tru Blood


Referring to the fake blood beverage developed by the Japanese, for the consumption of vegetarian vampires. And it has its own ad. How many TV shows have their own frakking product ad??

6. Also did I mention that everyone in this show is hot? Ey?