Shit I See On My Facebook Newsfeed #1

I see a lot of shit on my Facebook newsfeed ; cat pictures, random doodle comics, passive aggressive status updates, melodramatic status updates, attention seeking status updates, jokes that are so dumb they're actually funny, pictures of macaroons (seriously what is the big deal) and buttloads of Instagrammed things. I usually scroll past all those fairly easily, and they don't bother me all that much. What really gets on my nerves though, is shit like this, and the thousands upon THOUSANDS of likes and shares they get :




Citation required.
No, seriously. I'd love to have a look at this "psychologic" study that so clearly and firmly delineates the time span of your emotions and levels of attraction to someone, with seemingly no due importance given to individual context or circumstances. And stop trying to distract me with candy-coloured font. It's not going to work.




Dear "Male" Who Wrote This,
I too, am fedup. Utterly fedup. Done. Finished. I am fedup with this never ending whinefest about how girls only go after assholes and jackasses and the nice, sweet, sensitive guys never win. Generalizations and simplifications don't help anyone. Both men and women are capable of treating each other like crap, for one thing. For another thing, there are about 3 billion or so "Females" that populate the planet, and we are all -shock horror gasp- different. We all want and like different things, and make different decisions because we are people who have gone through different, unique experiences and not a homogenous collective organism. Hell, there might even be some of us out there who are in relationships with nice, sweet, sensitive guys. You're not looking hard enough. Or just not looking? Sure, there might be some girls who get attracted to a certain brand of a-hole, due to whatever issues or complexes she may be dealing with, but that's her business. Or maybe, consider the utterly radical notion that maybe she just doesn't want a relationship with you.




"Every girl's dream"? Really? Really? Really? If a guy ever calls me at 3am, EVER, there had better be some crazy ass life/death situation going down. Sleep is of supreme importance to me, and I don't take interruptions very well. Mats Hummels could be serenading me outside the window at 3.30am on a school night with a Nutella sundae in each hand and even he would very likely get punched in the face for all the trouble he took. I have no objection to the ice cream and cookies (or the "I love you"), just bring them to me during regular office hours, or with a minimum of one hour's notice. 3am my ass.




Ah see, REAL boyfriends, as opposed to FAKE boyfriends (really, how old are we, twelve?) calls and texts you ALL THE TIME (to find out exactly where are you are what you're doing who you're meeting?) CRIES when he doesn't get to see you, gets JEALOUS (when he sees you having any form of social interaction with people who are not him?) is OVER PROTECTIVE (once he starts telling you where you can go and who you're allowed to talk to, we're in trouble) and LOVES YOU (aww). I'm sorry, I may be reaching here, but none of this comes across as warm, healthy or loving to me. I actually laughed out loud the first time I read it. This is crossing over into clingy, hysterical, emotionally unstable stalker territory.If this is what a REAL boyfriend does, I'll take the fake one any day of the week.




Oh dear. I never realized there was a set of Facebook viral image-approved criteria I had to meet in order to be a woman. Gosh, I don't think I'm doing enough to really be called woman. I'm just thinking about all those times I pulled on doors that said PULL. Or that time I walked into a room and totally knew exactly why I was there. Or that other time when I was really upset about something and I called my mom to talk to her about it. Because these are all things that PEOPLE do, or don't do. Oh and there was that time - HOLY CRAP WHERE DID MY VAGINA GO?

Also ; "I count on my fingers in math". Because delicate ladybrains just aren't equipped to handle hardcore complicated shit like NUMBERS, am I right, girlfrandz??? LOL xoxo!!




Now this is some generic sitcom level comedy right here. The PREGNANCY = DUMB WOMAN bit is particularly infuriating, because to me it somehow implies that the dude was smart enough to get laid, the woman was stupid enough to be seduced AND presumably not remember to use contraceptives. I realize this is just some silly meme diagram and there's no room to include things like "what if the woman made a perfectly independent decision to WANT to have sex?" and "uhh, since when was remembering to practice safe sex the exclusive responsibility of the lady, here?". And of course, everyone knows dudes and their bodily fluids don't contribute a thing to babymaking. No. Immaculate conceptions all around, thanks very much.
The MARRIAGE = DUMB MAN bit isn't any better either. It's 2012. Are we still going with the whole idea of men are commitment phobic caveman slobs who will avoid being tied down for as long as possible? Stereotypes don't help ANYONE, guys.






Credit goes to Jennifer for calling bullshit on this one a few weeks ago. In her own words :

"The chances of a smart girl going out with an asshole is very slim. Hence, smart. I blame movies for that stereotype. '95%' is bullshit. So degrading la this formula. And as a general, all girls who're smart and nice are ugly? Or hot and nice are stupid? Or smart and hot are mean? Assholes should stop making up facts like these just because they can't get any. Utter nonsense."


The prevailing nonsense that guys make better friends than girls has been infuriating me for years already, and this post was the last straw. Here's what I had to say about it when I first saw it :

"This photo pissed me off, so I had to say something about it. I've been seeing this sort of thing waaaay too many times on my newsfeed. No. Just NO. PEOPLE can be fake. PEOPLE can be petty, competitive, jealous and prone to gossip. Starting "useless drama with you" is not a trait that is exclusive to girls. "Having fun" is not something only guys are capable of doing.
See, being male does not automatically make guys ideal friendship material. And ladies, having a female friend does not mean she is going to, at some point, attempt to steal your man or bitch about you when your back is turned. If you can't get along with a particular girl, have you considered that maybe, just maybe, you can't get along as individuals? Being a guy or a girl has nothing to do with it. The kind of friend you are depends on the kind of person you are. Whether or not you have a vagina is irrelevant".


Now, I can imagine what sort of reaction this may get.
1. That I have no sense of humour.
2. That these are just jokes, and a little bit of fun, and not meant to be taken seriously.
3. That I have no sense of humour. And I'm bitter. And probably a virgin. I am a humourless bitter virgin.

To which I say;
1. I urge you to read the rest of my blog, for you will see that I have a spectacular sense of humour.

2. The very fact that these things are treated as jokes is infuriating to me. The more you dismiss shit like this as irrelevant to the way people feel, think about, and relate to men and women in the real world (and it is SO relevant, I say to thee) the easier it becomes to throw around generalized, shallow, stereotyped and often plain offensive statements disguised as jokes or "fun" [bitch, go make me a sandwich, etc], that don't do anyone any favours.  And I am not laughing at any of this. Not even a bit. And I have not even talked about the -mostly female - population of my Facebook feed that take images like this SERIOUSLY.

I already have a folder of similar images and posts saved up, which is actually somewhat depressing, but I'll be here to call out all the bullshit so you won't have to.

We Will Not Have This Orwellian Bullshit.

[image courtesy of Stereogum and my interweb piracy skillz. Come get me, Washington]

These last few days, I have felt a little like I have been living in a rather alarming science fiction scenario. One government controlling the world's Internetz? A single, self-serving entity which will determine what we can read, watch, talk about, share, buy, engage with, and decide what we are allowed to know and say? An institution which can erase my blog from existence, this little slice of pixellation I call my place in the Internet, for simply having too many pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal from Jarhead, particularly that scene in which he dances around naked with a Santa hat on his boyparts? And by deleting my site, effectively erase my voice and entire online identity, with no explanation, no justification, and no prior warning?
How dystopian. How utterly ridiculous. And in all honesty, how terrifying.

Fuck that shit. Fuck SOPA [Stop Online Piracy Act]. Many many other worthy users of the web have come forward to say and do their part, far more eloquently than I will ever be able to do.

Here is why you should know what SOPA (and its sister bill, also currently making its way through the US legislative system, PIPA, or Protect Intellectual Property Act] are all about. Here is why you need to care, even if you're on the other side of the planet (HELLO MALAYSIANS). Here's why you need to quit whining about how you can't half-ass copypaste complete your final assignments because Wikipedia went all black and "this is so inconvenient lah you guys".

Here is the breakdown of both SOPA and PIPA by Pajiba.com. With profanity.

Here is Cracked.com's hilarious but also sobering account of how, eventually, just about anyone is going to be able to abuse both SOPA and PIPA.

Here is Sue Fyenn's wonderful run through of all the implications of both acts (should they be passed in United States Of America Headquarters). Long, but easy to understand, and totally worth it. And yes, she articulated the situation so effectively that I was pretty much shitting my pants by the end.

Here is Wikipedia's own explanation, including its blackout protest initiative.


Here is a GIF about SOPA, starring a koala, a goat, and Oprah and Jesus on a jetski, in true Oatmeal comic style.





Here is an open letter signed by a group of musicians, artists, actors, authors and other creators of original content (including MGMT, Neil Gaiman, and one Mythbuster), sent to Washington, detailing how both SOPA and PIPA will end up causing more harm than good to themselves and their audience in the long run.


This Internet, it is a glorious one. It has allowed us to share and engage with the world in a way that was unthinkable just a few years ago. The Internet has given us so much, including this long-overdue recipe for unicorn shit cookies.




Imagine if, say, I don't know...Universal Studios suddenly decides this is a threat to copyright, and pulls this site down, and my blog as well, simply for linking to it. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live on a planet where even unicorns must live in fear of copyright infringement. Screw you, SOPA.

Now let's all go sign some petitions.

More Love and Less Pushing, Because I Am Honestly Too Old To Deal With This Bullshit [Foster The People Live In KL, 13 January 2012]

After two months of giddy anticipation, Foster The People finally came down to this part of the world for an unexpected but very welcome addition to their Asian tour dates. Here is a slightly muddled recap of the good, the bad, and the shitloads of plain ugly that went down on Friday night.

• Sue Fyenn and I managed to make friends with some adorable first time concert-goers while waiting in line, which was lovely, because meeting new people who love the same things you do is never not awesome.
  
  
• The sound system was fairly good, but could have done with more work ; the synths and vocals on some tracks were far too soft, and the bass and drums were often a little overpowering. The band gave it their all and had some terrific energy though, so I am ready to forgive.
  
  
• The cover of Weezer's Say It Ain't So, and two non-album tracks, Ruby and Broken Jaw, ended up being the highlights of the night for me. For one thing, those were three songs where you could actually hear Mark Foster's voice, which is most excellent, because that boy can sing. Nay, that boy can saaaaang.
  
  
• Let us now talk about the crowd. I have always heard about gig experiences that were otherwise ruined by an asshole or two, and now I finally understand the utter frustration that comes from a large group of people who all collectively decide to behave in the shittiest way possible. I'm talking to you, a large portion of ticket holders of the front section of the Fanatic Zone area. Yes, you.
  
  
• I am not talking about your standard gig moshing. I am talking about pushing, elbowing, shoving and falling over even before the gig started, which obviously got that much more worse when the band actually took to the stage. I am talking about the entire front section of that crowd stampeding to the left and right, to follow Mark Foster across the stage.
  
  
• I am talking about Mark Foster himself having to take a few moments in between songs, early in the set, to call out that section of the audience for aforementioned pushing and shoving, and ask everyone to please give everyone else some space, "because it's all fun and games until someone dies, guys".
  
  
• I am talking about people who continued to behave like dicks even after being called out by Mark Foster himself. I was so relieved when he actually tried to get people to stop shoving. So relieved. Because people who love Mark Foster and his music so much would obviously pay heed and listen to him, no? No. No such shit. But thanks for your concern, Mark. Didn't work, but much appreciation anyway.
  
  
• I have been to my fair share of gigs of the moshing variety, and never once have I ever genuinely feared for my life, the way I did last night. I am talking about people in the front rows being pressed against metal barricades so hard, they couldn't breathe. I am talking about flat-out panic. For those of us in possession of any amount of gig etiquette knowledge, it wasn't fun. It wasn't wild. It wasn't whack, you guys. It was scary, it was annoying beyond all comprehension, and it robbed us of the musical experience we should have enjoyed that night.
  
  
• You know what else I'm talking about? I am talking about that girl I have never met who passed out next to me, while I was trying my hardest to hold on to her arm and not let her drop to the floor, where I would definitely lose her in the darkness and confusion. I am talking about the people who were ready to climb over her to get closer to the stage, and I am talking about having to scream DO NOT FUCKING MOVE at everyone within a three-foot radius to make sure that kid did not get trampled, while the band went on
  playing whatever song it was they were playing at that point.
  
  
• I am talking about first-time concert goers who were pretty much in tears, claiming that this would be their first and last gig, because nothing could be worth this much physical and emotional trauma.
  
  
• I missed almost all of Houdini because some bitch was screaming and yanking at my hair with both hands. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
  
  
• And to those obnoxious, entitled pre-teen girls standing behind me before the gig started? If you know you're short and will have problems seeing the stage, come early and pick out a good spot. It is in no way your god-given right to elbow and bulldoze your way to the front. It is not your god-given right to keep elbowing me in the back and the side of my left boob, expecting me to take the hint. It is not awesome to actually use your elbow to wedge out a space between me and the girl next to me. I do not have the memory span of a goldfish, which means that after you're done poking me, you can't just sweetly ask me to "please swap places, pleeeeeease?", because you girls haven't exactly been endearing yourselves to me for the past twenty minutes.
  
  It is not cool to keep elbowing, shoving, smushing, making very loud and pointed passive-aggressive remarks and leaning your entire weight on everyone around you, especially me, when you have been repeatedly told to kindly fuck the hell off. If you had actually started off with a polite request to have me give you some space closer to the stage, I would have been nice and totally let you move up front, no problem. It only became a big, obnoxious, shitty deal because you turned it into one.
  
  
• To the folks I met there who were actually nice, and who looked for out each other and spent a few minutes after the show going around and asking everyone if they were okay, thank you. Thank you. I never learned your names, but you are all a collective beacon of hope in the crumbling ruins of my shattered faith in the inherent goodness of humanity.
  
  
• To the people who have been going all "Well, that's just the gig environment for you, totally normal, happens all the time", or "You bought tickets to the FANATIC zone, what were you expecting?". Fuck that shit. What was I expecting? I was expecting a fun, rowdy, boogie-down time. I expected some roughness, some pushing, some degree of having people get all up in my grill. I wasn't expecting to stand there fearing serious, permanent damage to my internal organs while Pumped Up Kicks played in the background. I wasn't expecting to constantly have to check on people next to me, to make sure they were still breathing. I wasn't expecting to have to type out a barely sort-of gig review with next to nothing I can actually say about the music. I wasn't expecting to walk out of that hall feeling shitty beyond belief, angrier than I have been in a long time, and on the verge of tears. Normal gig behaviour? I'm sorry, but what happened on Friday night was pure lunacy. I understand the passion, the euphoria, the insane mob mentality that comes over people in that situation. It does not make that behaviour acceptable on any planet. Justifying that behaviour or even expecting and accepting dickishness at a concert, is crossing a line with me. Delegitimizing my experience in there by insinuating that I was being an oversensitive prude who couldn't deal with a bunch of clearly overexcited teenage girls, that I am overreacting, is not cool either.
  
  
• By the fifth song, I was seriously considering trying to catch the attention of a security guard and getting the hell out of there, but I came up with the much better and wiser decision of moving as far back into the crowd as possible. Eventually I came across a pocket of people who were very calm, happy and clearly just there to have a good time. Not to mention they had the sense to give everyone at least half a foot of dancing space. Once there, I was able to enjoy the last seven or eight songs in the set, which was highly fortunate for me. I still feel incredibly bad for the people who were trapped up there in the first few rows with nowhere to go and absolutely no way of being genuinely able to enjoy this gig.
  
  
• All in all, I would feel really bad if I crowned this as the worst gigging experience of my life, because Foster The People themselves were on top form, were incredibly nice, and did nothing to merit the undeniably shitty behaviour that surfaced that night. They deserved better fans than this ; anyone would expect more love and positivity from fans of such a happy dancey band. And hell, people like me who showed up to have a good time, only to be almost entirely robbed of that experience by other people in attendance, also deserved much better. I can also personally testify that not everyone in Hall 4, KLCC, that night were assholes, but all the same? Shame on us, Kuala Lumpur gig-goers. Shame on us.
  
  
  

I offer a sincere apology to you, Foster The People, for the collective lunacy of a crowd that was more interested in letting you know (as loud as humanly possible) how much they wanted you to fuck them, a crowd perfectly willing to kill each other over their race to get prime stage-front spots, rather than listening to anything you had to say that night. For a far more heartfelt and eloquent apology, head over to read Sue Fyenn's open letter to the band. And here's to purging all the worst memories from Friday night, and looking forward to the next rocking, fun and positive, palate-cleansing concert experience.

I'm glad I was fortunate enough to have been able to safely enjoy the last half of the night, but all the same, I'll just listen to MGMT and Phoenix until I stop feeling a physical ache in my chest every time I hear a Foster The People track.

edit :
It has recently come to my attention that the management and security were pretty crap as well - most people from various ticket sections got mixed up at the entrance, a dividing gate/barricade/thingy was left open so that people from the back could come charging up towards the stage, which obviously did not help matters. Also, a video screen was placed on the back wall of the auditorium, instead of somewhere in front, or the sides. You know, where people would actually be able to see it. How are these people allowed to manage events? How?

All in all, worst concert experience of my life to date, and it was never, at any point, the band's fault. I cannot stress this enough, because Foster and his People did a fabulous job. In any case, a million thanks to the band for coming all the way here, and if the guys ever decide to pay a visit to KL again, I know where I'll be ; safely in the middle of the venue, having my own personal boogie-down time and not getting punched in the head.


moar edits :

I really don't want to be superficial here, but yes, Mark Foster is insanely good-looking up close. It is a testament to his total nom-liciousness that even in the midst of being tossed around like a rag doll, I had the time to look up at the stage and register this thought : "Fucking hell, he is fine". You gotta appreciate the little things, you know.