BAP's Guide to Euro 2008

My personal thoughts on all 16 competing teams. At first I thought this would be too much bother, but this competition only rolls around for one measly month every four years, and it is widely considered to be much harder to win than the World Cup. So. Why not?


I warn you that the following may contain traces of horniness, biased opinion, pure ignorance, indifference and very little credible sports analysis.

We shall start with Austria and Switzerland. As co-hosts, these two countries receive automatic qualification.

Austria
The bigshots of Austrian football ( or soccer, whichever suits your fancy) actually requested , or maybe even begged, FIFA to allow them to withdraw from the competition, claiming that their playing standards were nowhere near what is needed for this kind of international gig. But they're here anyway.
Enough said.


Switzerland

They have the dubious honour of being the only national team in the history of the World Cup to have been knocked out at the group stages without having conceded a goal. That's like a compliment wrapped around a sucker punch. Likely to do only marginally better than their co-hosts, Austria.


Spain

The perennial underachievers. It's about time they won something, too. I mean, they have all the pretty players on their side. And they all play pretty football. It's like their own prettiness distracts them at some point, and that's when they start doing things like failing spectacularly and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
But in all seriousness. It's about time. *cough*England*cough*


Czech Republic




I love this team, for various perverted reasons, as some people could testify to. But I do not want them to win this time around. They can go to the finals and everything, they're capable of it, but they mustn't win. Tomas Rosicky is injured and he's not playing. To win the Euros without him isn't exactly impossible, but I would consider it a travesty. Euro 2012 perhaps?




Holland

I never really liked this side. But their shirts are such a terrifically awesome shade of orange that it would be hard to say a word against them.

Germany

My default adopted-country team. I remember being in Standard Six, and being the only person in my entire class who wanted Germany to win the WC final against Brazil, and I even put down what was left of my lunch money on that result (yes, I gambled at age 12. It was only twenty cents anyway). Germany lost, I was to be the butt of future football-related jokes, but I came away from it all with an odd sense of Teutonic loyalty. And five years later, still a pseudo-German, despite stupid things some people say, like "Eeek you're supporting a Nazi team, how could you??". Gosh. Grow up. Half of the guys on that team are Polish anyway.
And let's not forget the German Under-17 team, who are blessed with insane gorgoeusness. I'd go after that bunch but somebody may convict me on a rape charge. So. Give them a couple of years and we'll have some proper eye-candy in the senior team as well.



Italy

They already won the bleeeding World Cup just last year! They don't need another trophy, the greedy little bitches.


France

They're boring. I'm sorry, they may be good, but they've always bored me senseless. If they win, or lose, or all die of food poisoning, or get swallowed up in an avalanche, or score 345 goals in 45 minutes, it simply would not interest me. They're that dull.


Croatia

The red and white check pattern makes me happy. Watching Croatia makes me happy. Their coach is awesome. He has his ear pirced. That makes me happy. If they won, I'd be happy too. Luka Modric looks like an elf crossed with a Hobbit crossed with a mouse . That makes me happy too.





Greece


The winners of the last tournament. I don't know much about them except that their names would make for some killer Spelling Bee tournos.


Romania





I can only think of vampires, for some reason. The thought of Romanians playing football under the sun is a little odd, but they qualified, which is a lot more than a lot of countries could say. *cough*England*cough*.



Russia

They just got flattened 4-1 by the Spaniards this morning, so it's not looking too good. Their names would make for killer Spelling Bees too.









Turkey

Call me an ass, but I was never really ever sure whether Turkey was officially part of Asia or Europe. My doubts have now been assuaged, obviously. There is also some Turk dude playing on the Swiss team. I wonder why he ran away?










Poland



The team that qualifies for everything but leaves without ever making an impact. I don't want to be mean, but the Poles look like they showed up just to make the numbers. Again.




Sweden

I like watching Sweden. They're boring as hell most of the time, but there's something enthralling about watching that many blond people running around together on a field. Capable but unlikely winners.


Portugal





Quite possibly the only team I actually dislike, no thanks to the presence of a certain Christiano Ronaldo. If I have to see his face on another magazine cover I shall projectile vomit all over it.




England



They--oh I'm sorry. They didn't qualify, did they? They have, arguably, the best players in the world, but the sheer weight of their collective and individual ego just drag them down all the time. Maybe after this team are all dead and gone, they can start thinking about trophies. It is very strange to watch a tournament like this without England in it, though.










BAP's Ultimate Prediction
England won't win this either.

edit ; My mistake, Italy won the World Cup two years ago, not last year.
They're still being greedy little bitches though.