Wait, There's No Such Things As Unicorns?

In honour of Supernatural's 5th season finale week, I've decided to give the sexual objectification angle of TV show-pimpage a break and focus instead on the deeper, smarter and essentially less superficial aspects of the show that has been eating my life for the last 5 years.


13 Entirely Non-Superficial Things I Have Learned From Watching Supernatural

[Beckeye, this post contains pretty much generic stuff so I don't think spoilers are much of a concern. I can't guarantee anything though so you may want to give this a miss as well, just for caution's sake. Here, have some gratuitous superficiality to make up for it.]


Gosh Jensen, I know right? You really are that hot!

1. Researching stuff can save your life.

Whether you're up against a zombie virus, demons, a trickster god, Paris Hilton or a giant suicidal teddy bear crippled with an existential crisis (no really; do I look like I'm joking?), it is crucial that you know your stuff. Take your pick of resources, be it ancient crumbling scripts in crazy ass languages, the Bible, your dead father's inexhaustible secret journal, the local library or the ever-reliable Google. Make notes, print things out and carry them with you, for the power of knowledge will truly save your ass many times over.

2. Impersonating FBI agents, law enforcement officers and medical staff is a lot easier than you think.

In fact, it is a positive piece of cake. All you need is a couple of important-looking suits, some fake IDs using the last names of guitarists from hair metal bands, and the ability to walk around looking like you own the place. You will be granted full access to everything you need and no one will so much as question your qualifications except hot women who also find you hot and will not rat you out to security.


3. Being really really ridiculously hot does not mean that shit won't happen to you.
This is a point the writers of SPN have been driving home since the pilot episode. However much you may conform to the Western ideal of physical beauty, your life will suck just as much -if not more- than that of regular not-so-pretty people. Just ask all the gorgeous women (and some men) who have been stabbed, staked, shot, drowned, drained of all bodily fluids,burned, ripped to pieces, eaten, beat up and barbecued on the ceiling of their child's nursery on this show. Heck, even the Winchester men themselves are walking poster boys for the universal truth of how the gift of stunning physical beauty can never be a sure-fire guarantee for happiness on the earthly plane. Except in the Winchesters' case;

a. Shit will happen to you.
b. You will die because of various combinations of this shit.
c. You will be brought back to life by your brother's undying love and stupidity and/or an all-powerful third party which will hold to you to all sorts of really inconvenient conditions and favours
d. Only to have the same shit happen to you all over again in greater magnitude.



4. However fucked-up your family is, the Winchesters can always top it.
Daddy issues, self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, ego issues, post-traumatic stress issues, alcoholism issues, supernatural substance abuse issues (hey there, Sammy), child developmental issues, parenting decisions issues, having suffered multiple deaths issues, guilt issues, rage issues, resentment issues, fear issues, extreme co-dependence issues and fraternal angst issues just to name the more obvious ones. Now go give your dad a hug and thank the Creator he isn't anything like John Winchester.


5. This song is awesome.
Go here, because Youtube is retarded and won't let me embed this shit, which happens to be the most flawlessly placed piece of musically-induced emotional manipulation EVER.
When viewed in context, with the proper amount of emotional investment necessary for manipulation, naturally.


6. The Ackles' Ass Equation
I kid you not. Someone actually sat down with a graphing calculator and set out to determine the exact curvature of Jensen Ackles' ass.



y = - (sin(x^(1.7/6)+4)+(1/x))+10

Thank you show, for proving to humankind that Mathematics does indeed have a very special place and function in our lives.



7. Humanist ethical secularism is the way to go.
Over the last two seasons, SPN and its writers have been making a pretty ballsy statement leading up to the close of its 5 season arc. This statement of ballsiness being that all forms of religion is screwed up and will fuck you over and the best thing anyone can do is to place your faith in your fellow man instead of in God, paradise, redemption or the government, and to simply take the middle ground and do what is best for your mortal brethren even if you die in the process. It's a philosophy that has raised a few eyebrows and riled some fans, but it is certainly food for thought and a rather impressive mark of growth for a series that started off as a sort of mediocre X-Files with a soap opera star and a rather lanky sasquatch as its leading men. Oh how time flies!


8. Sleep with Sam Winchester and you will die.
Self-explanatory, really. Oh Jess. Oh Madison. Oh random blonde chick. Oh Ruby. Oh other random blonde chick. Oh woe.


9. Salt is not just for your fries.
Not at all! Salt is essential protection against pretty much any ugly undead thing that wants to eat you. Salt circles around your house or person creates awesomeshit forcefields (or not; my imagination runs away with itself sometimes). Rock salt stuffed into your shotgun will buy you time to escape from spirits. Stuffing coarse salt down demons' throats make them howl and bleed and tell you all you need to know.


10. The 1967 Chevy Impala never ever runs out of gas.
Ever wonder why you never see the Winchester boys stop at a gas station to fill up on fuel? Because this Impala, it runs on the sheer power of Awesome. Word, bitchez.


11. Trenchcoats are essential to the art of making a dramatic entrance.


Also maybe the scary huge shadow wings help, but mostly it is the trenchcoat. It will emphasize your inherent badassery, letting everyone in the immediate vicinity know that your ass is not to be messed with. The swooshing of the trenchcoat as you swish majestically around, say, hospital corridors, will literally send pitiful mortals scurrying for cover lest the force of your Awesome, carefully shielded beneath said trenchcoat, engulf their very beings. The trenchcoat is also useful for stashing random but useful items like box cutters, holy oil from the sacred soil of Jerusalem and oh I don't know like epic two-foot long silver angel-killing blades hellz yeah.

12. Pie will never let you down.
Your brother will betray you, your father will screw you up, God will abandon you, your angel boyfriend will lie to you, no intimate relationship with any woman you've ever known will last more than a month, the end is nigh and the earth will crumble into the sulphurous pit or whatever, but pie? Pie is constant. Pie is eternal. Pie is comfort. Pie is true. Pie will be there when everything else you had counted on comes crumbling to the ground. Mmmm pie.

13. Jensen Ackles has a real-life super power.
Dean Winchester doesn't cry often, but when he does, there is a very special phenomenon that occurs. No, not simply the fact that he defies the long-held male streotype of repressing emotion, but the fact that every time, he manages to cry only one, single, perfect tear of manliness, often referred to as the Single Perfect Tear Of Manliness. It is quite a spectacular talent, believed even to rival that of Jack on Lost. And when you see this single perfect tear of manliness you know you had better prepare yourself for some serious heavy angsting that will last all the way to next Thursday.

See? This show isn't all about the pretty boys. Many thanks to Sue Fyenn and my brother for helping me come up with some of these. Happy finale week, everyone! And here's to hoping season 6 won't suck ass (don't kill the angel don't kill the angel don't kill the angel don't kill the angel don't kill the angel don't kill the angel).

And now back to our scheduled gratuitous superficiality.

Why, I'd be delighted to.

Make It To The End Of This Post, And I Will Give You A Hug, A Cookie, And A Canonization. In That Order.

After the very lastest episode of Supernatural's fourth season aired on local television some weeks ago, I wallowed in the Depression That Occurs When Your Favourite Show Stops Airing On TV And You Have To Wait Like A Year And A Half Before New Episodes Hit Your Shores Again (I bet the Germans have a word for that). That was until I discovered that you can actually stream fresh, brand new episodes on the Internet RIGHT NOW, and in celebration of my getting to watch Supernatural all day and everyday if I bloody well feel like it, I present to you this piece of lovingly-crafted and hormonally-induced nonsense.

This is taken from a really old meme I once did, so feel free to swipe if you're feeling a bit nutso. The following post contains more swearing than I am typically used to. I blame the subject matter.



1. The first character you fell in love with.
Dean of the Winchesters. Hard not to, really. I mean, LOOK AT THE GUY.


From the very first moment he crashed into his brother's college drom room, demanding beer and leering at said brother's scantily clad and soon to be doomed girlfriend's ass, that part of my soul that is usually reserved for Unreasonable Levels of Attachment To Fictional Characters was truly and completely OWNED for eternity and then some. I have already waxed fangirl-style poetic over him on several occassions, so I will bother repeating myself here. Just look at the guy. LOOK.

Ooooooh lens flare. Delish.

2. The character you never expected to love as much as you do now.

For almost 3 seasons, Sammy the Littlest Winchester was nothing more than an over sized boy child with cute bangs who was really good at Googling and wore too much flannel. He was also a little bit prissy. He wasn't particularly annoying or even lovable. He was just there to define and develop Dean's character, to Emo around, to drown the series in leftover teenage Angst, to make puppy dog eyes and to spew Latin swear words at ugly icky demons. Also there was that small matter of him being Satan V.2.0 and effectively carrying the weight of the entire Supernatural story arc on his wide and nerdy shoulders.

In season 4, Sam became simultaneously bad asser and more sympathetic, especially when you realize that the whole damn thing is really about Sammy and it is only Dean's tragic hotness that is distracting you from how this shindig is really going to end ; Sam is going to save the fucking planet, and he is going to wear five layers of flannel and Google the shit out of everything while he does it.


Oh Sam, in another time, in another place, and with your bangs still intact, we could have been such great friends.

3. The character everyone else loves but you don't.

John Winchester. I'm not one to criticize any one's parenting skillz (actually I am, but whatever). Papa Winchester, tragic vengeance-obsessed hero, a broken man, and a freaking psycho ex-Marine, successfully effed up his sons so thoroughly that even several lifetimes' worth of therapy would do no good. And it would be okay if he had just decided to go pyscho on his own, but he had to drag his kids into it and completely rob them of every chance at a normal life he himself once mindlessly enjoyed, and which Mama Winchester fought so hard to give her babies. So not hate, per se. More like the black bitter bile of resentment.

It was pretty sad when that demon killed him dead, though.

Aaaaah no! Extremely messed-up and angst-filled paternal dynamics! RUN!


4. The character you love but everyone else seems to hate.


Bela. She was ridiculously hot, British, bad ass and hot. Also she was smart, and had motives, and dimension and growth, and she spelled her name with the one "L" just because she damned well felt like it. I was a bit sad when the writers got rid of her so quickly, based purely on fangirl reaction. Seriously, us fangirls will piss poison on anything with a uterus that so much as eyeballs Dean Winchester. Stop taking us so seriously or THERE WILL BE NO GIRLS LEFT ON THIS SHOW YOU GUYZ.

5. The character you would shag anytime.

I'm thinking a three-way romp here. The freakishly tall one with the Emo hair waits outside. And tell the wimpy-looking one to keep the tie on. We have many fell and unholy purposes for it.

6. The character you want to slap.

God. Seriously. God. The Creator of All Existence. Where is he? He better show up pronto and he better be Robert Downey Fucking Junior or it's no dice.

Hallelujah.

7. A character pairing you love.

So much blasphemy! Yes, one is an angel of the Lord and both, for all intents and purposes, are male. But it is undeniable. The Epic Love Story of Dean and Castiel practically writes itself, like Apocalyptic-proportioned hints Kripke and his team of Evil Goblin Writing Minions keep gleefully dropping on our heads.

It's all there. The insane chemistry between Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins. The Dean and his uncharacteristic willingness to open up to this unearthly immortal creature. The Castiel and his ever-growing attachment to his boyfrie-uh Dean, and humanity. The Dean giving an honest-t-god Soldier of Heaven an affectionate nickname - Cas. Seriously. That's like one step away from Sugarlump or Gingercookie or something. The Castiel's habit of showing up at Dean's bedside in the night (sort of like the Edward and the Bella, only when the Edward does it, it is Fucking Creepy). The intense theological arguments they have, during which you sort of stop paying attention and start wishing they'd shut up and make out already and then hold hands and skip off to the nearest Home Depot to pick out matching curtains and bedsheets. Or maybe Target? I don't know, meme. Wherever it is fictional Americans go to buy bedsheets.

8. A character pairing you hate.

Dean with anyone, post-season 4. Because he is going to marry Castiel dammit, weren't you paying attention, meme?


9. Your favourite character.

Uh duuuuuuuuuh meme. I'm sorry, but did we just meet yesterday or something?

10. Your favourite things about your fandom.

(a) Trenchcoat
And the Lord said, let there be Trenchcoat, and let this angel of mine occupy the body of this ridiculously hot tax accountant from Illinois, wearing this suit and Trenchcoat, and let the angel never tamper with the Trenchcoat, not even to fix It's collar or do up Its buttons, and never let him take It off, and let this Trenchcoat swish and swirl about the angel's person as he makes his dramatic angelic entrances into places like hospitals and underground storage units, for the swishing and the swirling of this Trenchcoat is remarkably sexy and will make the fangirls happy, for that is all that matters to me, God, in the end. And the Lord made it so, and the Lord saw that it was good, and the fangirls too saw, and they sighed and they giggled, and they approved of its goodness. Because it was indeed, hot damn good.

(b) Misha Collins

Easily the best thing that could have happened to the show at this point in its evolution. They typical human male is made up of 75% percent water or something, but Misha Collins has replaced all that with umpteen parts raw Awesome and 6/7 pure charisma. So powerful was the impact of his character Castiel on the fanbase after just one season (in which he appeared in less than half of the total number of episodes) that he was able to amass a loyal and rabid legion of followers, which he christened "Misha's Minions", simply through the greatest Twitter page in the history of the Internet. And these Minions to pretty much everything he tells them to, including kidnapping the Queen and bathing in the blood of ponies. HE IS GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. You wait.


Why yes, Misha, we would be more than happy to take all our clothes off, pour yoghurt on our naked flesh and dance around your lawn under the full moon singing God Save The Overlord. Like you even had to ask, silly little man.


(c) Sadomasochism
SPN fans, for the most part, seem to derive great joy from the Pain inflicted upon the main characters. The more depressed, broken, blood-stained, miserable and angst-filled our Winchesters are, the better we sleep at night. Kripke and his evil goblin show minions know this, and boy do they love treating our intrepid heroes like shit. And we, watching at home, lap it all up with unrepentant glee. Oh sick sick humans, we are.

11. Your least favourite things about your fandom.

(a) Wincest

It is pretty much what it sounds like; fan fiction centred around the Winchester brothers having sexual relations. With each other. This bothers me to no end. I realize that at the end of the day these guys are merely fictional constructs from the mind of a geeky, evil, slightly bald white man, but I seriously do not see where the joke is or what the advocates of Wincest possibly get out of the idea that Sam and Dean are buttsexing each other in between episodes. WTF people?

(b) The sad lack of nudity. Or at the very least, shirtlessness.

If I am not sorely mistaken , the last time Jensen Ackles took his shirt off was THREE SEASONS AGO. What utter fuckery.


There needs to be much much more of Dean and Sam lounging around seedy motel rooms, stewing in their fraternal angst, wearing nothing but boxer briefs. It would only enhance the already superior entertainment value of this show.

Don't Mind My Lengthy Absence, I've Only Been Busy Conforming To The Man

Have you missed me, peasants? I've sure missed you guys. Yeah so I got a job, like a responsible adult is supposed to and all. I sit in a cripplingly cold air-conditioned room for 8 hours a day and type invoices and stock inventories for a pharmacy and leave with numb fingers, bloodshot eyes and a litany of drug names running through my consciousness. I have also picked up the habit of obsessively checking the barcodes on everything I pick up, whether there is one or not. But here is not the place to whine about one's employment! It's only for another 5 months anyway. Instead, I will celebrate the new year by stuffing another meme down your throats. Ready? No? I don't really care.

The (Very Originally Named) New Year's Meme

1. What did you do in 2009 that you had never done before?
I went jungle trekking. The less said about that and my footwear failure, the better.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, actually. An aunt of mine gave birth to a very large and very healthy baby boy. I never cared much for infants, except to admire their adorability from a safe distance, where I will not be exposed to stuff like tears, puke and snot. I'll wait a few years before I approach him, I think. Maybe in a decade or so.

3. What countries did you visit?
Stop making me feel inadequate, you. You know fully well I don't even have a passport yet.

4. What would you like to have in 2010 that you didn't have in 2009?
An unlimited supply of cash would be nice. You will work on that, won't you?
And my passport. Sort that out.

5. Your biggest achievement of the year?
Actually sticking with and completing my STPM exams. Props to me.

6. Your biggest failure?
Failure to get a driver's license (again). Failure to post up here as often as I should have. Failure to stick to unofficial diet (how do you say no to an Oreo milkshake with vanilla ice cream. No seriously. How?)

7. What was the best thing you bought?
Please. I shunned materialism in 09. Mainly because I was broke all the time, but still. Shunnn!

8.Where did most of your money go?
Again I say, WHAT MONEY?

9.What did you get really really really really excited about?
World Stage. Meeting Bawanie for the first time. My MUET results (kickassery personified).

10. What song will always remind you of 2009?




Well. That and Poker Face.

11. How did you spend New Year's eve ?
I don't remember. But I did have to go in for work on the 1st. Bummer, y'all.

12. What was your favourite TV programme?
Supernatural. Ridiculously underrated and unparallelled in depth, humour and Pretty since 2006. Heck, let us have a gratuitous example of that Pretty right now.
The Pretty. Let me show you it.

See? Purty.
Although you should know that on the actual show, the protagonists do not always lurk sexily in old warehouses and wooden cellars, looking for angles and natural lighting that show off the Pretty at its best advantage. That would be like so superficial you guyz.

13. The best book you read?
I unfortunately did not get much reading done last year, and the last stack of books I bought sits on my shelf, cold, lonely and forgotten. Vernon God Little was probably the best of the ones I actually read though.

14. Your greatest musical discovery?
This lot, purely because of how gloriously accidental it was. Also, I like the banjo. Like, a lot.



15. Your favourite film of the year?
Again, there wasn't much film-watching going on in 09 (gosh my life sounds like it sucked last year). But I did watch Holes on tv last week, and it was a suitable awesome way to spend two hours on a Sunday afternoon.

There are actually about a dozen more questions left, but this is boring me already. So I shall leave it at that. A happy belated new year's, peasants! Be nice while I'm away working hard to put symbolic bread on the metaphorical table, you hear?

"It's For Seagulls To Land On, Lah".

So it was my birthday yesterday. It was quite lovely, thank you for asking. I'm getting quite into the list-making form of bloggery these days, so here goes.

Stuff That Made My 19th Birthday Awesome.

1. A bunch of old school friends showed up unannounced with cake, presents and a car to whisk me far far way for lunch so I didn't have to stay home and look at my homework and think about when to get started. Thanks guys. My love for you all exceeds the depth of the oceans. Really. I would know.


2. Sailors. On weekend leave at the local mall, all in their spiffy crisp white uniforms. We're not entirely sure if there were a whole bunch of them, or if we kept bumping into the same dudes all over the place. All the same, it was oodles of fun trying to discreetly (we thought we were, anyway) watch them buy flip-flops, sniff at tubes of toothpaste and browse through shelves of DVDs. And marvel at the flatness of their caps. I'd like to thank the God of the Seas for that special dose of birthday eye candy. You know how I like the uniforms.


3. Chocolate. Dangerous amounts of it.


4. The ridonkulously spectacular Barb over at Bad Tempered Zombie granted me a huge honour a few days ago, by rating my humble little blog here an "E" for excellent. Here be proofage:

And she went on to say enormously flattering things like how I am far too witty for my age and all that (which is actually true, you know), but all jokes aside, I am genuinely touched to receive such a heartfelt commendation from someone who is arguably the loyallest and most dedicatest reader and commenter (is that a word yet?) of the Bloggeddy Blog Blog. So much appreciation from this neck of the woods! I shall be sticking it up on my sidebar, to show it off in a showoffish manner.

5. Almost exactly a year ago, I was whining extensively about the lack of new Supernatural episodes, and now the Gods of Televisiondom have finally seen fit to smile benignly upon my pathetic little person, and present me brand spiffing new installments of season 4. Joy. The show is improving by leaps and bounds (according to its own standards anyway) and best of all, there is extra Pretty to ogle at this time around. In addition to the ever-present, ever-gorgeous Dean and Sam of the Winchesters...


We now also have Misha Collins, who plays the extremely broody and cryptic John Constantinesque and pacifist angel Castiel.


And I know it is very wrong -sacrilegious even- to be crushing on an angel of the Lord. But if you think about it really, I'm mostly attracted to the human body Castiel currently inhabits. So in my defense, I'm only sexually objectifying Jimmy the Tax Accountant. Technically. God will understand, I'm sure.

Must Dash. Things Going On. Well..Three Things. Well..Four. Well, Three Things And A Lizard.

Well, here you go. Three things and a lizard.

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly.... timey-wimey.... stuff.


Well, yeah. There is a new Doctor Who, the Eleventh Doctor, to be more precise, and for the first time in the 3 incarnations of the character I have followed over the last couple of years, I am a little nervous. He looks so...young. And blond. And like a posher, preppier, prettier version of the Tenth Doctor. His vibe just isn't doing it for me, either. And above all, I am going to miss David Tennant unbelievably. But still, I suppose now is a good time as any to welcome and accept Change of all magnitudes. So. Let's all go say Hi to the new guy! Or just sit here and wave, or something. Even if you have no idea what I'm talking about. It's only polite, after all.

Charity, My Foot

So the 6th Form kids in my school organized a donation thingie of sorts to help out the people in a Country That Shall Not Be Mentioned, in aid of an Organization That Shall Remain Unnamed. And I was more than happy to walk around with the little money-collecting bottle and shaking it under people's noses for a day. And we managed to raise over RM2000 in just 3 days, which was quite awesome. And then we placed a call to the Newspaper Which Sponsors The Efforts Of The Said Organization That Shall Remain Unnamed, and they told us that RM2000 was nice and all, but it just wouldn't cut it if we wanted our school's name and profile put in the paper. And so they told us to keep the money. And they actually laughed.And I wondered what on earth having our name featured in the paper had to do with the fund-raising. Turns out our School Principal insisted on making as much money as possible to guarantee that the school would get its own feature in the paper, preferably in the weekend spread or something. So it wasn't really honest charity at any point, but just a stunt to get some positive publicity for the ten million-dollar school. And I am pissed at the school principal, and at the Newspaper Which Sponsors The Efforts Of Said Organization That Shall Remain Unnamed, and at my schoolmates for so readily complying with the vile wishes of the school's head of administration. I mean, what is she going to do, expel the whole lot of us? Meh.

My name is Dean Winchester. I'm an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women.

According to Internetdom, today (or yesterday, technically) was Dean Winchester's 30th birthday! Yeah I know he isn't actually an actual person, but he is like, one of my favourite fictional characters of All Fricken Time, and the man deserves all sorts of mad major props for having survived this long.


Awww look! He anticipates presents.
And look what I got him:


He loves it. He loves it all.

Oh Dean. I'm so glad you're low-maintenance.
I remember the time I first started watching Supernatural, way back in '06, about 6 or 7 episodes into season 1. And I remember even then, knowing in my deepest heart of hearts (and also, to a degree, in my ovaries) that being a Sam-girl simply wasn't and would never be an option, ever. Regardless of whatever would happen in the course of the show. (and it also helps very much that Jensen Ackles isn't all that painful to look at, y'know). But to be fair, I never really gave the other Winchester brother much of a chance. So.

Teh Great Winchester Debate : Sam vs Dean

Yeah. Okay. Dean wins. The end. Bring out the bloody sparkly balloons.

Oh dear, that was mean. Sorry, Sam. Here;

Reasons To Love Sam Winchester
Because it's a sure-fire way to make your brother happy, any day.

1. Jared Padalecki.

2. Jared Padalecki.
3. DIMPLES!
4. He's smart. He went to fictional Stanford and everything, man. You gotta love the Geek.
5. Jared Padalecki.

6. He's sensitive, attentive, and perceptive.
7. He loves his brudder.
8.He's adorable when he gets all PMS-ish.
9. In a real-life situation, speaking honestly and without the judgement-clouding influences of Fanlady Hormones, I'd definitely get along a million times better with Sam than I ever would with Dean.
10. Jared Padalecki.

But today is all about the older Winchester.
Or yesterday, technically. Sorry, dude.
Happy birthday, you bad-ass psychologically/emotionally repressed and extremely hot bastard!

Oh wait! I promised you guys a lizard.


There.


This post has been approved by the Official Dean Winchester Double Thumbs-Up Seal Of Awesomeness.

Here Be Much Fangirling And Many Spoilers.

I guess I should have included Blog More Oftenner in that list of resolutions for 2009. It's all good though, because I never actually leave the Bloggeddy Blog Blog when I claim I'm going to. I tend to sneak off when no body's really expecting it, including myself. But the BAP has been busy with School, which surprisingly isn't that bad now that there are only 15 of us left in my class and we get to go home half an hour earlier and our classroom is all the way up on the 4th floor and it takes teachers absolute centuries to reach us, as a result.
Anyway, this post has been brewing for quite a while now, and I'm thinking it's about time I put it up. It features the only two TV shows I have had the time and the inclination to stomach over the last month or so, and will be done in the same fashion as the Coldplay vs Sigur ros smackdown we had some time last year, if you recall. Once again, I can promise no real intellectual input, no reduction in the amount of whining, bitching or fangirling (although I may be adopting the term "fanlady" as opposed to "fangirl"- I've always thought of myself as a little too sophisticated for the latter), but I can promise that the judging will be based on some very important and very crucial criteria. Let us then quit the waffling and proceed.

The Battle Of The Somewhat Mediocre TV Shows

Heroes Volume 3 vs. Supernatural Season 3
(For the benefit of those not in the know, Heroes is about a bunch of people with special powers who are constantly trying to save New York, and Supernatural is about two insanely hot brothers who go around killing demons and saving people)


1. Quotient Of Pretty


You would assume that Heroes, having way more characters than Supernatural, would naturally also have more Pretty People in their ranks. But your assumption would be wrong (actually you'd probably be right, but on this blog, you're not). We now turn to simple Maths to reveal the Truth of the situation. Truth, by the way, as I have learned in John Keats' classes, equals Beauty, and Beauty equals Truth. Therefore fangirling is a totally intellectual activity of very very noble literary proportions. But I digress. Using the very simple Maths I mentioned earlier; Heroes has about two dozen main characters at any given time, so if we randomly select 10 of them, and then pick out the number of Pretty People present within this 10, you'd end up with say, 6 Pretty People at the most (according to me, anyway). So you're looking at an Average Pretty Quotient of 60%, which is pretty impressive. Now consider Supernatural, which has only two main characters to focus on. And both of them are Pretty. And you don't need Maths to tell you that that makes up a 100% Pretty Quotient. Therefore in the area of Quotient of Pretty, Supernatural pwns.

2. Character Development

Heroes honestly sucked at this in season 3. There was absolutely no sense of connection or continuity, that feeling that you've been watching the same characters grow and change over the last two years. All of them seemed stuck in this sickening rut and were acting far too unlike themselves to be believable. Or maybe it's more because they're being ultra-condensed magnified versions of themselves, which makes them all the more annoying. I wanted to rip Claire's hair out for being such a desperate whiny little brat. I wanted Nathan to go die because I just could not be bothered to try and figure out what his deal was anymore. I barely paid attention to Peter. I absolutely detested what they did to Sylar ; presenting us with the fact that his lust for blood and power, his evil persuasion was only a side-effect of his ability, and not something that could have been deep-seated or innate within his original persona as Gabriel. And this totally robbed the most interesting aspect of one of the most interesting characters and turned him completely BLAH. And as for Mr. Bennett, how much longer is he going to be just the nerdy-looking guy in horn-rimmed glasses who is also an expert assassin and would do anything to protect his best interests and those of his loved ones? He has been all that for three seasons now, would it kill you people to add a different side to him, develop his individual story a little, give him something of his own?
Supernatural fared much better at this, and they probably had an advantage because they only had to develop two people. But to give credit where it is due, for such a mediocre show, they actually did quite a kick-ass job. Mainly because you did get that sense of nostalgia, like, hey look, here are those two extremely pretty guys I've been watching since I was 16, and I now actually care about them and their fate and their choices as opposed to way back in 2006 where all I did was wait for one of them to take his shirt off. Therefore, for eliciting the power of pure emotional connection to the characters, Supernatural pwns again.

I still do that, though. Wait for either Dean or Sam to take his shirt off, I mean. It passes the time during particularly dull episodes.

3. Death Toll

I have bitched about this considerably in previous posts, and I don't need to say it again. But I will. The makers of Heroes have no balls whatsoever when it comes to killing off a character. Either that, or they do kill somebody off, and something very convenient and unexpected comes up to bring whoever it is to life again. You will really have no idea how annoying this is unless you watch the show yourself, truly.And of allllllllll the people they chose to get rid of permanently for once, they had to snuff Adam Monroe. They just had to. He was the only thing that was even slightly fresh or funny (and no body's funny anymore! Jokes don't kill! They are so taking themselves way too seriously).


On average, about 5 people die Horrible deaths on Supernatural, which is lovely. After the trashfest of Heroes, you kinda forget the satisfaction of watching a real good death scene unfold, with the awful screaming and bad effects and everything. Also, the two main Pretty Boys, they die, too. Of course, they always come back, as a result of one brother selling his soul for the other. Literally. But at least with SPN, you know that the miraculous resurrection came with a heavy price, bound to be paid at a later date, and there is always a sense of urgency or dread surrounding the Bringing-A-Winchester-Brother-Back-To-Life Show.
Once again, Supernatural pwns. And yes, I am being very impartial here.

4. Tim Kring vs Eric Kripke

The creators of Heroes and SPN, respectively. Mr. Kripke, for paying attention to the fangirls and throwing in all the little inside jokes from fandom, you is Awesomeness. To Mr. Kring; you didn't listen to what I said about making Milo Ventimiglia grow his hair back. I gave very solid and very well-supported reasons why bringing the Original Peter Petrelli Hairstyle back would spell glory for the show, and I put it out there, I really did. It was on that Facebook group and everything. But did you take heed? Noooooooooooo. Now look what happened! For shame, Kring.

5. Plot

For Heroes, it was really a case of "What plot?". There honestly seemed like there wasn't one, and if anybody actually noticed a proper plot I would be genuinely grateful if you could enlighten me as to what it is, because the season is over and I am very confused. What is this Catalyst? Does anybody know what it is? What formula? Are these words that sounded really fancy and so the writers' put them in so it would all seem very high-brow and science-fictionney? What bloody timeline are we in now? Is it present day, six months ago, 16 years ago, 45 minutes later? Which version of Peter am I looking at at any given time? Future Pete? Present Pete? Past-But-Not-Quite-Yet-Present Pete? The Ghost Of Pete Future? Why doesn't all the carefree time-travelling create a dozen paradoxes and Explodify the universe? What the heck does Arthur Petrelli want?? I know it's something evil and of world-destroying proportions, but what? Where's Micah? We're not stupid enough to forget him. What's with Matt and the tortoise and the stupid running blond girl? What was the bloody point of blowing up Costa Verde? It all turned into really bad soap opera mode close to the middle, and I completely lost the thread, and I know it's not because I'm stupid. It's because there was no direction, no clarity whatsoever. Everybody ran around talking about how something horrible would destroy the Earth (what's new?) and how they all had to save it, but all that ambiguity really got on my nerves. My intelligence felt insulted. It was all a messed-up jumble of stuff that probably looked impressive on paper but turned to crap when executed. There was so much going on it pretty much all cancelled each other out and became nothing. Oh to go back to the days when Heroes could tell a good, complicated, criss-crossing yarn, and tell it well. BOO you, Heroes. BOO you.

Now, Supernatural? Supernatural had direction. Dean sold his soul to Hell in exchange for bringing Sam back to life and he has only one year to weasel his way out of eternal damnation, if at all possible, while Sam grapples with the reality of losing his brother and the possibility that Hell is grooming him to one day be AntiChrist Superstar. Clean. Simple. Uncomplicated. Plenty of room for emotional punches.SPN in season 3 also went a little bit in the way of soap opera-ishness, but it was done well. And I have never really watched SPN for its mini-episodic-plots. If you want real quality scares, go rent The X-Files. You may have heard of it.
Since SPN is pwning everything, you may be of the opinion that I should stop here. But nah. I haven't reached the fun bits yet.


6. Bad-Ass Boys: Sylar (Zachary Quinto) vs Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles)

That's a no-contest win right there. Not even The Eyebrows Of Doom can stand a chance against Jemsem Smeckles and his Pretty. Not even a shadow of a a chance. Also, Dean is just such a character. A jerk in many ways, but he grows on you in spite of yourself, he really does. To quote myself;
"...He's all cocky bad-ass-porn-watching-mullet rock-listening-face-stuffing-demon-hunting-women-objectifying-devoted-son-big-brother-and-all-round-kick-asser. He can stuff so much food in his piehole he looks like he may tear his face in half. He is a manly man who shoots guns and says no to chick flicks and says "Dude!" a lot, and hides all his pain deep deep inside where nobody can see it, and when he really really has to cry all you get to see is one teeny itty bitty teardrop, because his dad messed him up so bad (screw you, Papa Winchester!) and made him go all psychologically repressive, and despite his macho and cocksure arrogance and tough-guy persona he has heartbreakingly low levels of self-esteem and painful insecurities, especially about his family leaving him when they no longer need his bad-ass protection, and the struggle he goes through in holding up that mask he uses to hide the fact that he does indeed feel emotion, probably more acutely than most people. Oh Dean. How you hide your raw and vulnerable need for affection. The fangirls' collective hearts bleed for thee! He's just like those M&Ms he enjoys so much; hard shell on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside. Fangirls go "Awww!" and want to pat him on the head and feed him chicken soup and give him huggies. Well, no. Actually we want to rip his clothes off, throw him up against a wall and bang his lights out.But we'll totally follow up with soup and cuddles. Promise."



And the fact that he looks pretty much like Sex-On-Texan-Bow-Legs does no harm whatsoever. And of course he is way bad-asser than Sylar and his brain-stealing tendencies. You need to have spectacular levels of bad-assness in order to pull off a leather jacket that doesn't fit and a kid brother who is a few storeys taller than you are.









7. The Sensitive Emo Angsters : Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventimiglia) vs Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki)

This, I must give to Peter. Season 1 Peter, to be more specific, although that's kinda sorta cheating. Back when he was all sweet and naive and had all this blind, touching faith in humanity and the genuine desire to help people and make something of himself. Where the hell did that Peter go, eh? And the Hair that came with him?
Sam is a nice guy and everything, and he went to Stanford, which is hot. But he doesn't really do anything for me. He's a sweetheart, though. Too bad he's like, the spawn of Lucifer, or something.















8. The Cooler Weapons/Toys

You have to admit the powers people have on Heroes are still pretty cool, despite the sexy car and the shiny Gun That Kills Everything on SPN. I can even forgive the fact that nobody can really explain what this catalyst business means. It still looked really awesome when Hiro's mom transferred it to him and all. This, I shall consider a tie. Both Heroes and SPN pwn this.

9. The Brother Aspect : Petrellis vs Winchesters

If I were comparing the first seasons of both shows, Petrellis would would have won this by a landslide, which Nathan would have approved of. The Brother-Thing in season 1 of Heroes made up a great deal of the charm for me. It was touching, and warm and heartbreaking in its complexity and totally believable despite the circumstances. The Brother-centred climax in the final episode, it made me cry, which spoke volumes of how well the relationship had been moulded throughout the 24 episodes.


By season 3 however, you almost forget that Nathan and Peter are brothers until you see them in a scene together and your brain slowly pieced it together. The Petrelli brothers' relationship took a major backseat in the place of a lot more insignificant things that were just filler for the most part. It was obviously a result of Peter cutting his hair off. Even his blood ties have disintegrated. I knew it, and I warned them NBC people about ages ago. I did.


(I think we can all see a pattern here). The Brotherliness of the Winchesters however, has never been in question, even if they never really kissed as much as the Petrellis did. Mainly because there aren't too many other characters floating around to distract you from it, but also because the concept of Brothers makes up the very core of the story and all it stands for (which obviously puts Heroes at a disadvantage, but whatever). Sam and Dean's heavy dependence on each other is so unhealthy and sometimes so disturbing it's almost painful. The extent to which they go to protect each other, how that fierce love can spill out into the realms of pure, filthy selfishness and re-affirm the capacity of human love and constantly make you think about whether or not they'd be this close if their lives were any less weird. Supernatural is no more about Banshees and Crocattas than Heroes is about people who can shoot coloured light out of their palms. And that truly goes out as an honest compliment to both shows.
But Winchesters still pwn.


10. Plus Points and Major Disappointments

I've bitched too much about Heroes already, so I'll talk about the positives then. Mohinder goes through hell, which is brilliant.
Aaaand that's about it, really. And Ando, of course. The always lovely Ando, although he couldn't seem to quite make up his mind about his accent this season.

And I've said too many lovely things about SPN, so let us address the one major negative point in season 3 ; neither Dean nor Sam took their shirts off. At all. I mean, what is the deal? Bloody teases, they are. Are they trying to make up for the overexposure of last season? Thank goodness for Google image search, though. They can't hide under clothes forever, not on the Internet, they cannot.
But seriously, it's really as if Supernatural started off so terribly that the only way for it to go was along the road of Improvement, whereas Heroes kicked off so brilliantly that every season after the first has been like a struggle to keep up with with the standards it set for itself.

The Verdict
Supernatural has reached unattainable levels of pwnage. They pwn beyond all Pwnage. Pretty boys. Fast cars. A shiny Gun That Kills Everything. Leather Jacket. Pig In A Poke. And a mini Bon Jovi karaoke session. Top that, Heroes.


Yes, boys. Feel free to indulge in a beer. You've earned it, for now at least.

My Life Must Be In A Pretty Sad Place When The Happiness Of My Soul Depends So Much Upon A TV Show.

But I don't really care. I'm deprived, I'm suffering from delayed withdrawal symptoms (which include perking up suddenly everytime the name 'Jensen' appears on a TV screen) and I need new episodes of Supernatural now. I understand the whole deal with the writers' strike and all (and I lyurve them writers, I do) but one year really is too long to make a girl wait.


Things I Miss About Supernatural.

1. Teh pretty.


I watch this show for the intricate plot, the intelligent dialogue, and the smart references to actual legends and mythology, and also for the philosophical thinky thoughts it makes me think about.
Really.
I do.
Really. Sheesh.

2. The 1967 Chevy Impala.


The only car in existence I can name by year, model and make. Sexiest piece of machinery on the idiot box. If the Impala died, I would cry.

3. Teh Pretty + The 1967 Chevy Impala = Short term superficial gratuitous joy for the fangirl's soul

All right I admit it. Quite a large part of the reason I actually watch Supernatural is for the excessive levels of pretty on the show. The magnitude of Sexy is just too much for its own good. Even the clothes the two boys wear are sexy. And if I told you that I would still watch it if any two other even mildly less good-looking people were cast in the plum roles of the brothers Winchester, then I would be a lying liar who lies.


4. Dean Winchester

One of my favourite fictional characters of all times. Times, with an s, mind. The man is a fangirl's fantasy come true. He's all cocky bad-ass-porn-watching-mullet rock-listening-face-stuffing-demon-hunting-women-objectifying-devoted-son-big-brother-and-all-round-kick-asser. He can stuff so much food in his piehole he looks like he may tear his face in half. He is a manly man who shoots guns and says no to chick flicks and says "Dude!" a lot, and hides all his pain deep deep inside where nobody can see it, and when he really really has to cry all you get to see is one teeny itty bitty teardrop, because his dad messed him up so bad (screw you, Papa Winchester!) and made him go all psychologically repressive, and despite his macho and cocksure arrogance and tough-guy persona he has heartbreakingly low levels of self-esteem and painful insecurities, especially about his family leaving him when they no longer need his bad-ass protection, and the struggle he goes through in holding up that mask he uses to hide the fact that he does indeed feel emotion, probably more acutely than most people. Oh Dean. How you hide your raw and vulnerable need for affection. The fangirls' collective hearts bleed for thee! He's just like those M&Ms he enjoys so much; hard shell on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside. Fangirls go "Awww!" and want to pat him on the head and feed him chicken soup and give him huggies. Well, no. Actually we want to rip his clothes off, throw him up against a wall and bang his lights out.
But we'll totally follow up with soup and cuddles. Promise.
Also the fact that Jensen Ackles is pretty much the hottest dude on TV doesn't really hurt that much.

5. Dean-isms.

I love writers. I really really do. However allegedly mediocre this show may be, the one-liners are absolutely killer. The specialty among these are of course, the classic Dean-isms. Things only Dean Winchester would ever think of saying, and only Dean Winchester could ever get away with.


Selected Dean-isms:

*Dude, you fugly.
*What's in the booooooooooooox?
* Sweetheart, I don't do shorts.
* I hope your apple pie is freakin' worth it!!
*Well, I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.
*Because I'm the oldest which means I'm always right (and I can totally vouch for that, dude).
*Neil!? It's your grief counsellors. We've come to...hug...

And my personal favourite

* Bite your tongue, heathen.



6. Leather jackets, brass amulets, and silver promise rings.

GUH.

I'm sorry. I know I was about to say something really intelligent but uh--.

What?


7. Brotherly love.


Not since Nathan and Peter Petrelli has televisionland ever seen such overflowing amounts of brotherly affection. It's somehow a lot more touching than romantic love, mainly because it just does something to my emo parts to see a dude willing to have himself killed for the sake of his baby brother's safety. ( We are referring to Dean in this case, of course. I kind of like him, if I haven't made it clear yet). It's like a little ray of wibbly sunshine, when you know everything in the show will be all right despite the selling-the-soul-to-Hell and the apocalypse-Apocalypse because epic bromantic BROTHERLY LOVE trumps all, dammit! Including death!

8. The gun that kills everything.

It's very convenient indeed to have a gun that pretty much kills every known supernatural being with just a bullet. But the lameness of this can be readily excused, because like everything else on this show, the Colt .45 gun is made of pure, undeniable Sexy. Also, Dean is the one who gets to shoot it all the time, which only adds to the general quotient of Sexy.


9. The throwback to the X-Files.

Not since the demise of The X-files ( rest in peace, O Greatest Show In History Of Teevee) has there been a show that deals with freaky supernatural-ish stuff as its main theme. There have been a slew of law dramas, a whole host of medical tear-jerkers, an obscene number of CSIs (seriously, enough already) but never anything quite resembling ye olde kick-ass team of Mulder and Scully Ltd. And sure, Mulder and Scully were never even half as sexy as the brothers Winchester, they didn't have leather jackets, a provocative car or the gun that killed everything (see No.8). And neither Sam nor Dean have red hair, and they never made out in the shower room-thing-place. Ew. But I find myself washing in waves of nostalgia everytime Supernatural comes on. Nothing man can create will ever come close to The Files of X, but Supernatural is a pretty decent effort, all in all.
Also, those boys are reeelly reeelly purty.

10. The abundance of Fire.

There is plenty of fire in this show. I mean like, freaking loads. In the opening title card, every-freaking-where. And fire is Sexy.
Also note that while fire may be pretty hot, Dean Winchester is hotter.
Just something you should know.


11. Unabashed Lameness.

Yes, this show can be really really lame sometimes. I've mentioned the infuriating inconsistencies, the plot holes you can stick your noggin through and the occasional plain ridiculousness of the liberties the writers take with modifying actual mythology to suit their means. But what makes me forgive the makers of this here show is the fact they seem aware of their own lameness when they're guilty of it. They don't take themselves too seriously. They don't insult my intelligence. And above all, it's a show that doesn't pretend to be anything more than it is. It's one hour a week of two gorgeous boys kicking demon-ass (and if you're lucky, one of them may decide that it's very necessary for him to remove his shirt, for whatever reason), and it's fun and I enjoy it for what it is and it's a terrific form of escapism. I love other shows too, but sometimes they just get a little too high-brow and intelligent for me;Heroes and its long-winded philosophical monologues, and House, where most of the time everybody sits around and psychoanalyses House so we can all marvel at what a twisted, complex and fascinating character he is, and thus admire him (I do love the House, though). And in any case, no matter how stupidly lame an episode of Supernatural gets, there is always a kickasstastic gold-standard Dean-ism (see No.5) thrown in to redeem it.

12. The evil supernatural thingies that go around harming people and being well, supernatural, so that the brothers Winchester have to show up and have to try and get rid of it and they usually get all hot/sweaty/greasy/bloody/dirty/shirtless in the process and it all just adds to Teh Pretty (see No.1) quotient.


I watch this show for the plot. I told you.

13. The Winchesters' apparent inability to ever die or get hurt. In the long term.

Members of the Familia Winchester are bruise-proof, crippling-long-term-injury-proof, and scar-proof. You'd think that after all the pummelling, scratching, punching, stabbing, knife-wielding, gun-shooting battle royales the pair get into (some of those scuffles did not necessarily invove demons), that the brudders Winchester would have some permanent war tattoos to show for it all. But nay my good people; with every new episode the dynamic duo appear smooth-faced, clean-shaven, with pretty hair and pretty skin, nary a spot nor a blemish to mar their gorgeous features. 'Tis only proof of how very biologically superior the brothers Winchester are compared to us lowly easily-blue-blacked mortals. Also, the brothers Winchester can never die. Well not exactly- they can actually kick the bucket more times than regular people can. It has stuff to do with a constant cycle of one brother selling his soul to Hell to save the other which will take too long to explain. Suffice to say that each of the brothers Winchester has been killed off and then resurrected at least once (multiple times in Dean's case). At this stage, the only thing that could ever really drive the fangirls into a suicidal frenzy is if Dean had all his hair shaved off. He'd still look hot, mind you.


I'll stop there. Thirteen is such a lovely number for this post, no?

Let's Just Ignore The Fact That None Of Them Exist, And Be Happy.

The 5 Fictional Male Characters I'd Marry If I Could (And Never Defenestrate, Unless They Do Something Really Bastardized)

1. Dean Winchester (Supernatural)

I can never imagine Dean as the get married-settle down-have sex,uh, I mean, have kids type. For one thing, his life is dedicated to eradicating evil demons born of bad CGI effects. He is in love with himself. He is in love with his Chevy that never runs out of gas. He loves his whiny psychic whiny troublesome and less hot brother, Sam. He would give his life, cut out his heart, drive off a cliff for his whiny psychic whiny troublesome and less hot brother, Sam. No woman in his life, save for his dead mother, could ever compete against Sam. Sam is and always will be The Ultimate Priority. Also there's the small fact that Dean Winchester doesn't actually exist. But we'll put that aside for the purposes of this post.
So why would I ever want to marry and/or spend the rest of my life with a man who is always and constantly going to put me second? He'd never attend a Sigur ros gig with me. He'd call it a pretentious gay fest and go blast Led Zeppelin in his car. He'd never get me when I quote Juno or The Sheffield Line from History Boys. As far as the series has told us, the man's never read a book in his life. He's your typical face-stuffing beer-guzzling car-loving rock music-blasting porn-watching sports-freak brand of male. He flirts with anything in a skirt and makes out with anything that stands still long enough. But dammit he's hot. Plus if he ends up loving me at least half as much as he does his brother, I'm practically guaranteed a lifetime's worth of protection against yucky yellow-eyed demons.


2. Ned The Piemaker (TV's Pushing Daisies)


This man, I could marry simply for his utter, stifling, sweet,awkward, shy, disgusting niceness. He's too good to be true. Even when I die, he can just poke me back to life again! Of course then we'd never be able to touch each other for the rest of our lives, and we'd have to kiss and hold hands through cling film or wrapping paper. Also, nobody knows how long a Ned-ressurected person can actually live, so there is a high chance that he'll die naturally and my Undead self will be left to rot away in misery and heartbreak for the rest of eternity. ( Come to think of it, being a dead-but-not-dead person, thanks to Ned, will probably put me right in the firing line of Dean Winchester's supernatural ass-kicking efforts. And we can take it from there).
Ned also makes awesome pies. And he has a dog! And somewhat Zachary Quinto-ish eyebrows!

3. Micheal Moscovitz ( Meg Cabot's The Princess Diaries series)
Before I move on, let me just say, for the benefit of those who have watched the Princess Diaries movies and found them, like I did, bland, childish, insipid, not funny and shamelessly Disney-fied, that the original series of books by Meg Cabot is smarter, way more hilarious and mature, with actual characters that you actually care about, and things they can't put in the movies, like How To French Kiss, and testicular cancer, and Mia's desperate desire to have bigger boobs. But moving on.
Micheal Moscovitz is quite possibly the Most Perfect Guy That Never Existed. He has an IQ of 578 or something. He creates prototype robotic arms. He knows the entire Star Wars movie by heart. He writes and composes music. He runs his own webzine. He has opinions and principles. He could rule the world if he wanted to. He reads books. He has radical, revolutionary ideas. In addition to all that, he's sensible, mature, level-headed and usually perceptive to others' feelings (he has his numbskull moments but he's so perfect in every other way that it wouldn't be fair to punish him for those rare lapses in his usually pristine state of perfectness). All this, may I add, by the time he got into his first year at college. Of course, I last saw him in Boook 6. Now, apparently, Mia and him have broke up because of Judith Gershner (gasp!) and for the moment they're just friends. So maybe he's not that perfect after all. I've also considered how intimidating it must be to have to be with a guy that smart. You'd spend half your time worrying about whether the words leaving your mouth are intellectually acceptable, or whether you're boring the jeebs out of him, and whether he'd leave you for another girl who can solve quadratic equations in three minutes flat while reciting the Constitution and actually knows how to use Linux and doesn't have to look up Ludwig Wittgenstein on Wikipedia everytime he brings it up. But according to Meg Cabot, the Book Micheal is supposed to be uber hot. And we know by now, on this blog, hotness trumps all.

4. David Posner (History Boys)

It's hard to say what exactly attracts me to Posner so much. Yes, he's criminally intelligent, audaciously funny and has a lovely singing voice. But then, so does nearly every other History Boy. ( He's also gay, but that doesn't matter because he doesn't exist anyway). There's a certain pain in Posner that somehow draws you to him, the sense that this, despite its sarcasm and fire and biting intelligence, is an ultra-sensitive soul and needs Special Attention. There is an underlying sadness about him, and we see him floundering around in all his flaws and desires and uncertainty, and yet coming off so sure and unabashed and outgoing, pouring his soul out in his song and in his poetry and his immensely quotable comments. Despite being the horny bastard all adolescent boys are, regardless of their sexual preference, Posner exudes something pure, something hopeful, and something beautiful. And that Sheffield line, holy carrots, that Sheffield line is utter immortality! I'd marry him if he weren't gay, but then again, like I have said before, if Posner weren't gay, I'm not sure he'd be the same person entirely. I've gone through this before, how much, if at all, a person's sexuality influences their character. Would Posner still be Posner if he were straight, and hence had a different set of life experiences and psychological perspective? Would he still sing Bewitched as wonderfully or recite Drummer Hodge with as much raw emotion? We would never have the Sheffield line! Would I still want to marry him?
I'm pretty sure I'd still love him though. Hugs for Posner!

5. That French Guy Gaspard Ulliel Played In That French Movie That Was In French About Some French City.

Uhm. You know. Just because.
And if I don't get the guy I still get the Gaspard. So.
( I hope you're jealous, Jake of the Golden Halls, you. He has an accent. Do you? Huh? He has a scar on his face. A scar. That is so badass, I tell you. What do you have that's bad ass, Jake? What? What? And he's bilingual, and he didn't drop out of uni now, did he? I hope you're happy, Jake. I hope you're very very happy)

My apologies to Bawanie; I know I promised 11 guys, but while I was typing all this down, the other six just seemed so undeserving.