You Always Objectify The Ones You Love

I haven't fangirled properly in ages (and I do mean ages; the days of Jake seem like centuries ago) and I really feel like it right now, so it is only right for you all to indulge me for a while. In fact, I fear that I may even be a little out of practice.
The subject of today's pursuits of shameless fangirlyness (the best kind, I'll have you know) is one James Edward Franco, the Epitome of several types of Awesomeness, and very much on the edge of the brink of being Jake's replacement. The following doses of Fluff, Superficiality, Pretty and Shameless Objectification are especially dedicated to Graceface (the only other human I know who seems to find the man as attractive as I do) and B.Rach (who fell disgustingly in love with him last Wednesday afternoon in roughly 46 seconds flat). So. Here be the fangirling.

Behold; The Franco


1. The Lips
Probably the part of his body I am fixated on the most. The dude's mouth, it is sinful. I could spend forever watching him talk, even on mute (which is kinda what I've been forced to do, thanks to the fact that this computer is too frakking old even to have speakers fixed to it), but it doesn't matter, because I really don't need to hear what he's saying. Everything he utters will undoubtedly be of geniusical proportions, but if I have to watch him while he waxes intellectual, it will really be quite a waste of his energy. Because I will not be paying attention. Sorry, bro.

2. The Smile
Ladies and gentlefolk, only a true Dork could possibly have a grin that huge. Seriously. It is huge and life-affirming and hilariously dorkish. And you know I happen to love me some dorks of the sexy variety.

3. The Funny
Hosting SNL, Pineapple Express, Acting With James Franco and this, just to make a few points. I dunno, but this Franco person may just actually perhaps possibly conceivably be a rather humorous fellow.


Ugh. His Prettyness has no business being on a crap show like SNL.

4. The Redundant-But-Very-Hot Gucci For Gucci Ad
Come on. Thirty seconds of James Franco broodingly brooding in a very broodish manner all over some swanky hotel with dramatic shadows flitting across the walls? And in black and white? GUH.

5. The Off-The-Charts IQ
I have mentioned before that it would be virtually impossible for me to seriously fangirl over a person, male or female, without at least the slightest bit of appreciation for their intellectual capacity. (Yes there is such a thing as serious fangirling). The Franco surpasses even my own standards in this department. He reads Tolstoy and Joyce, he is pursuing two masters degrees at two different universities simul-effing-taneously, he is taking a grand mind-boggling total of 62 subjects including terribly sexy ones like 20th Century American Literature and he's about to publish a novel he wrote himself, which Grace and I shall purchase by the dozens and tear the pages out to wallpaper our bedrooms with and save a copy for reading in the toilet or something. I have never wanted to shag a guy based on his brainpower alone this much before, and yes it helps that he is hot and funny and obviously does not take himself all too seriously. It dulls the impact of what would otherwise be a highly intimidating brand of intelligence. And yeah, you could say that his celebrity status ensures that university administration boards are all bending over backwards to tweak rules for him and bring him special treatment on gilded platters, and they probably do, for all we know. But the dude seems to actually want to go back to school and take truckloads of subjects nobody ever really needs or uses in real life. And a thirst for knowledge is one thing you cannot fake, however rich you are. Or however gorgeous.


6. The Artsy-Fartsy
The dude reads obscure, high-brow literature, and paints, and writes poetry, and helps pimp artists and authors nobody has ever heard of, and he sings (do not deny the ABBA) and probably secretly composes nocturnes and sculpts marble and makes wood carvings and charcoal portraits. Blindfolded. Hanging upside down. Using his teeth.

7. The Cheekbones
Have you seen 'em? You could bloody grate cheese on those things, I tell you.


8. The James Dean-esqueness
James Dean was one bad ass cool mofo, and the guy who played him in a movie and won an award for it to boot has to be just as, or at least right up there in the same range of bad assery as Dean himself. Ergo, James Franco is one bad ass cool mofo.



9. The Talent
DUH. I mean, boy can act his purdy face off. When he's choosing the right scripts, naturally. However much I may adore him, I cannot really call him one of my favourite actors quite yet, simply because almost everything he made prior to that stoner flick and Milk was kinda crappy. Have you all even heard of Flyboys? Meh.


10. The Girlfriend
Ahna O'Reilly does not annoy me in the slightest. Seriously. Despite her blondness and skinniness and disgustingly close proximity to the object of my affections, I have absolutely nothing against her. She just seems so nice and lovely and not-to-be-messed-with, all at the same time.


11. The Broodishness

He has the art of brooding down to a science. Or the science of brooding down to an art. Whichever way you look at it, dude's got it down.


12. Saul Silver
Awesomest. Stoner. EVER. And I haven't even watched the whole of Pineapple Express yet.


13. The Pretty


Yeah. Now, this is the part where I talk about what a great personality he has. Seriously.


What? I only objectify him because I respect him. That's all.








14. The Rogen


The chemistry Franco has with Seth Rogen is so FABULOUS, it is literally beyond comprehension. When they are together, they become hotter, sexier, funnier, dorkier, smarter and all-round Awesomer versions of themselves. Oh boys! Stop being so adorable and announce the engagement already.


15. The Blackbook Article

Greatest interview in the history of forever. Amen.

16. The Bad-Boy-Ishness

For goodness' sake, look at him. He's making the very naughty and bad-for-your-health act of smoking seem like pretty much the sexiest shit on earth! If that's not a rottenly bad example, I don't know what is. Also, he's an insomniac who forgets to shave. Oh how do mere females resist?
(And B.Rach, that shot up there, that's for you)

In conclusion, James Edward Franco = God.
Or, you know. Something roughly along those lines. Please, thank you and amen.